Seize Life
by 51Dreaming
Summary: Johnny participates in an experimental treatment program in a desperate attempt to gain control over a devastating medical condition that has destroyed his life. Part Three of the Seize Series. In order to understand this story, read Seize The Day and Seize The Moment first.


**Seize Life**

****All Emergency! characters are owned by Mark VII and Universal Studios. No copyright infringement intended.

For all first responders.

For those who stay when they could walk away.

And, most especially, for those who walk away when they could stay.

**Chapter One**

"Welcome to the EMU." A smiling nurse shook Johnny's hand and nodded at Roy, Chet, Marco, Mike, Cap, and Morton. "Brought some family and friends. That's wonderful." Johnny glanced at his friends.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"What would you like to be called?"

"Johnny. Or John. Either one."

"Where are you from, Johnny?"

"Los Angeles." She nodded.

"Well let's see if we can help you get back home as soon as possible. Let's take a tour." She walked toward the double doors leading into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Just outside the doors, she paused.

"Our number one rule on this unit is: respect patient privacy. No watching monitors, no peeking into rooms, all right?" The group nodded. She pushed through the doors and ushered them in.

The unit was set up in a circular floor plan with the nurses' station in the center. As soon as the group entered, they understood her cautionary warning. The nurses' station was equipped with a monitor for each room, each monitor showing one patient on video, with a continuous EEG reading running on the right side of the screen. There were ten rooms in all, nine of them occupied. As the nurse led the group around the unit, an alarm sounded from one of the rooms. A light over the door lit. Three nurses ran to the room, where a young girl had gone into a convulsive seizure. The nurse stopped.

"Wait here." She stuck her head in the room. "Need help?" A voice from the room called out, "Yes." She looked back at the group and pointed to an empty room. "Please - go there."

As the group filed past the young girl's room, Marco breathed, "Jesus Christ...Amelia." Johnny glanced at him as they crowded into the empty room. Johnny's room. The room where he would be hospitalized until his surgery was over. Or where he would be told he was not a candidate for surgical treatment.

Chet opened the blinds. "Nice view. Lots of trees. Mike turned on the TV.

"Good reception." Cap looked up and saw a camera on the wall.

"I guess that's the video part of the monitoring." Morton checked behind a painting. It swung away from the wall, revealing medical supplies...O2, suction, a defibrillator. He nodded.

"Looks like they're well equipped."

Roy squeezed his way through the group to Johnny, who was leaning on the doorframe, looking toward the young girl's room. She was still seizing, four nurses working on her. He touched Johnny's arm.

"Junior? You okay?" Johnny turned and stared at him.

"She's just a kid, Roy. Six, seven old. Why is she going through this? She should be hanging out with her friends, playing games, watching cartoons." He shook his head. "It's not right." Roy pulled him from the door.

"Come on...stop staring, John."

"But - "

"Come on." Reluctantly, Johnny turned away. He walked over to Marco, who had joined Chet at the window.

"Marco?" Marco nodded.

"I'm all right."

"No, you're not." He hung his head.

"Amelia. She looks like Amelia. He shrugged a shoulder. "She even seizes like Amelia. Do you think...do you think they know to roll her on her side?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure they do." Marco took a deep breath.

"Of course they do. This is the Mayo Clinic."

**Chapter Two**

"I know this is a lot to take in. You can read about each procedure at your leisure. And please ask as many questions as you'd like."

Dr. David Simmons handed Johnny a thick folder.

"All the information is in here...what we will do, why we'll be doing it, what we're hoping to find." Johnny took the folder and didn't respond.

"You have any questions for me now?" Johnny shook his head.

"No. I uh...didn't think it would be this...complicated."

"Yeah. Sorry about that. But it is complicated. And hard. And emotionally and physically challenging. With no guarantees." Johnny nodded.

"No guarantees. Yeah, you're the fourth or fifth person to tell me that. No guarantees." he forced a grin. "So - when do we start?"

"This afternoon. You'll see one of our staff psychiatrists." Johnny shook his head.

"A shrink? But I'm not crazy. Why do I - "

"Just need to ensure your're psychologically fit for this kind of treatment, that's all. It's a standard part of the work up." he stood and offered Johnny his hand. "We're going to to our best by you. That I guarantee." Johnny stood and shook his hand.

"Thanks, Doc."

"Dave. Just call me Dave."

**Chapter Three**

Johnny emerged from Dr. Simmons's office to find his friends waiting for him. Chet gestured him into a wheelchair.

"Hey, Buddy...we got leave to go eat in the cafeteria." Johnny threw Chet a resentful look.

"I CAN walk, ya know." Chet grinned.

"Nurse's orders. You don't wanna violate nurse's orders do ya, Gage? Some of these nurses are awfully good-looking, if ya get my drift. The first step in catching a nurse is to - " Roy elbowed him aside and took control of the wheelchair.

"How'd it go with the doc?" Johnny held up the folder Dave had given him. "Apparently, it's all in here. This afternoon, I gotta to see a shrink." He grimaced and lowered himself into the wheelchair.

"Okay. But first let's check out the cafeteria."

"Oh, yeah. That's my goal. See the cafeteria." Johnny sighed. Roy patted his shoulder and the group wound their way though Mayo toward the cafeteria.

An hour later, Morton rose from the table and checked his watch.

"Gage, I have to get back to L.A. Sorry I couldn't stay longer. But we'll all be in communication with the doctors here, you can count on that." He reached a hand out to Johnny. Johnny took the offered hand. "Take care, man. Hope it all goes the way we're hoping." Johnny nodded silently. Morton walked away from the group, a hand raised in farewell. Johnny watched his retreating back.

"He's not so bad, Morton." Roy nodded.

"Yeah, he's all right." He smiled at Johnny. "Time to get you settled in your room, Junior." Johnny nodded.

"Yeah."

"Ready?" He smiled wanly.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Mike patted him on the shoulder. "How about we walk you back?"

"Yeah. Yeah, everybody walk back with me." He tried to stand. Marco gently pushed him back into the wheelchair.

"Let me push you."

The group walked slowly out of the cafeteria, down the hallways, towards the elevator. When they reached the gift shop, Johnny planted his feet on the floor and stopped the wheelchair.

"I wanna buy some magazines." Before anyone could react, he was out of the wheelchair and in the gift shop. Marco parked the wheelchair near the entrance and followed him inside, Roy, Mike, Chet, and Cap close behind.

Marco found Johnny at the newsstand, a Time magazine in his hand. He glanced at Marco.

"What's this?"

"Time." Johnny hunched his shoulders and frowned. He grabbed another magazine.

"And this?"

"Sports Illustrated. You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Geez, why do they have to have a ceiling fan in here? Doesn't that spinning bother you?"

"Ceiling fan?" Johnny shuddered and grabbed another magazine.

"Is this Car And Driver?" Marco motioned to Roy.

"Junior, what's happening?"

"Nothing...is this Car And Driver?"

"Yeah. Johnny, let's go back to your room." Roy tried to take Johnny's arm; Johnny jerked away.

"I want a newspaper...shit, I feel awful." He heard Chet's voice.

"He's seizing!" Johnny looked around.

"Gum, I need gum."

"Junior, let's go."

"No, I - I - oh, God...he turned in a circle, grabbed a display case, and went down.

**Chapter Four**

"I'm all right, I'm all right, geez..."

Roy and Marco tried to keep Johnny on the floor where he had fallen, but Johnny pushed himself up into a sitting position. He looked around.

"Where am I?"

"Mayo. Come on, Junior, relax. Chet's getting a doctor." Roy placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder, steadying him.

"Mayo? How'd I get here?"

"On a plane." Johnny looked around."Shit, I did it again." He heard Cap's voice, rising over the twittering and laughing in the crowd around him.

"Okay folks, there's nothing to see here. Move along." Johnny held his arms up to Roy and Marco.

"Help me up, would ya? I gotta get outta here." They glanced at each other, then hauled Johnny to his feet. He leaned on them.

"Just...get me outta here..." They guided him out of the gift shop and eased him into the wheelchair. Chet arrived with a doctor. He smiled at Johnny as he pulled a light from his lab coat pocket.

"Johnny? I'm Steve Korman. I'm a friend of Dave Simmons. You had a seizure?" Johnny glared at him.

"Ask the crowd. I was unconscious at the time." Steve looked at him evenly.

"Are you always this grumpy, or just when you have an an event?" Johnny stared at him. "Let me check your pupils." Steve checked Johnny's pupil response, then stuck the penlight in his lab coat pocket. "Looks okay." He took Johnny's pulse. "Yeah, you're fine." Johnny pulled his arm away.

"I KNOW that. It was just a seizure." Steve crouched down in front of Johnny and smiled.

"You know, Johnny...we're going to be seeing a lot of each other. Dave and I are kind of like partners. We went to medical school together, did our internships and residencies together, and now were doing our fellowships together. So you and Dave and I might as well make peace with each other now." He offered Johnny his hand. "Deal?" Johnny sighed, then shook Steve's hand.

"Deal."

"Good. Now, why are your buddies pushing you around in a wheelchair like some sort of invalid?" Johnny grinned, hauled himself up and pointed at Chet and Marco.

"Blame them."

"Nah. Can I walk you back to your room, though?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure." Steve glanced at the crew. "You can all come too, if you behave yourselves." Johnny took a few unsteady steps. Steve placed a guiding hand on his elbow. "So, I was talking to Dave, and he mentioned you're a paramedic."

"I - I was, until about a year ago. Then I worked in Payroll."

"Paramedic to Payroll. That must suck."

"Yeah. Yeah, it does."

"You have a regular partner?" Johnny motioned toward Roy. "Him. Roy DeSoto." Steve offered a handshake to Roy.

"Dave and I...we're kind of like you guys. We're partners. We'd like to set up our own practice some day." He smiled at Roy. "Johnny's a good partner?" Roy nodded. "A year's a long time to be without your partner." Roy swallowed hard.

"Doesn't feel like a year. Feels like forever."

"Yeah. I understand." Johnny shook his head.

"Look, why are we discussing this, like I'm gonna ever be a paramedic again?" Steve shrugged.

"I'm an optimist, what can I say?" He glanced at Johnny. "Aren't you? I mean, isn't that your ultimate goal - to be a paramedic again?"

"But - "

"But what?"

"Nothing. Yeah, that's my goal."

"Good. I'll be reminding you of that goal." A voice was heard on the overhead.

"Dr. Korman, Dr. Korman, please." Steve handed Johnny off to Roy.

"Gotta go, John. See you later." He took off at a run.

**Chapter Five**

Dr. Micah Carlson read through the last page of Johnny's self-assessment questionnaire. He placed the questionnaire on his desk and smiled as Johnny yawned.

"Bored?"

"Tired."

"Yeah, sorry for making you do this after a seizure. I'm sure you'd rather be sleeping right now." Johnny waved a dismissive hand.

"I'm fine. So, what's the verdict? Am I crazy?"

"No. But you are clinically depressed." Johnny shifted in his chair.

"Wouldn't you be?"

"I dunno. Never had the rug pulled out of me at the age of..." He glanced at the questionnaire. "...Twenty-six."

"Seven."

"Pardon?"

"I'm twenty-seven. I got confused. I'm twenty-seven."

"That's all right. So tell me...why do you want this surgery?" Johnny glared at him.

"Why do you THINK?" Carlson shrugged. "So I can stop having seizures."

"And that'll do what for you?"

"You gotta be kidding. What it'll do for me? It'll give me my life back, man."

"And if the surgery isn't successful...what will you do then?" Johnny stared at him, then gazed out the window.

"If it doesn't work...I'll hot wire my vehicle - my friend has the keys - drive up into the mountains where it's real pretty...watch the sunset...and drive off a cliff." He waited for the reaction. Carlson's face was blank.

"You'll commit suicide."

"Yeah. No. I don't know. Look, what do I have to do to pass this interview?" Carlson's eyes narrowed.

"You have to agree to talk with me more. Deal?"

"If I have to, yeah."

"Okay." Carlson picked up his phone. "Can I have a escort for Mr. Gage back to the EMU?" He replaced the receiver. "It'll just be a moment." Johnny arched an eyebrow.

"I don't believe in psychiatry."

"Me neither."

**Chapter Six**

"What is this shit?"

"It's Phase One of the monitoring process. You want to watch TV while I get you set up?"

A determined looking nurse motioned Johnny into a recliner near his bed. "Come on, John. You knew we were going to do this." Johnny looked the nurse, the EEG leads, the wraps, the glue...and the five friends watching him.

"I wanna take a shower first. Wash my hair 'n stuff." She shook her head.

"I'd have to wait for your hair to dry, and it's gonna get messed up anyway. Come on." She patted the chair. Johnny sat down and sighed.

"Go on. Do yer job." He winced as she inserted the sharp end of the first EEG lead at the edge of his hairline. She patted his shoulder.

"Sorry."

"It's all right. I been through this before." He glanced up at Marco. "Hey, Buddy...go get a cup of coffee or something." Marco shook his head.

"I'm okay." He switched on the TV, found a ball game, and pulled a chair next to Johnny. "No California teams."

"A game's a game - ouch!" Johnny flinched as another lead was inserted.

"Sorry."

Marco put a hand out; Johnny gripped it.

"You know, Minnesota's got some pretty good teams."

"Yeah, they're - ow - not bad." Johnny flinched and squeezed Marco's hand. "Might make the playoffs this year. Unless - shit!"

"Sorry."

Chet abruptly left the room. Cap and Mike sat on Johnny's bed; Roy retreated to the window.

"I don't think they're gonna make the playoffs, John." Mike kept his eyes on the screen.

"I dunno. They're looking really good, and they've got - damn it! - good draft picks this year."

"Wanna bet?"

"Bet?"

"Yeah. I'll bet you Minnesota doesn't make the playoffs."

"Okay, you're on. How much - shit, do you have to push every one in so damn far?"

"Yes, I do. You've going to be monitored a while and they need to stay put. Try to relax."

"Sorry. It just hurts."

"I know, hon. Go ahead and swear." Johnny glanced at Marco again. He was staring at the TV.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. You okay?"

"Sure, I'm - ouch! - okay."

**Chapter Seven**

"Pick a color."

"Red."

"For your fire engine, right?" The nurse smiled at Johnny.

"Yeah, for the engine." The nurse wrapped a red ace bandage around and around Johnny's head, until the EEG leads and his entire head of hair were covered.

"Want a mirror?"

"Uh, no. What do I do about the itching?" She smiled sympathetically.

"Already?"

"Yeah."

"Most people get relief by pressing the itchy spot." Johnny pressed his fingers into the bandage. "Better?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Now we'll want you in bed, so the camera can see you." She motioned Johnny into the bed, picked up her supplies and left the room. Johnny glanced at Marco.

"I lied. Pressing the bandage doesn't do shit." Marco nodded. Cap pointed to the camera, where a red light had appeared.

"Looks like you're on, Johnny." Johnny glanced up at the camera and waved. the camera, controlled by a nurse at the station outside, moved up and down. The group fell silent, watching it return Johnny's wave. Then they broke up laughing.

**Chapter Eight**

"Stop my meds?"

"We have to, sweetie."

"But you can't! I'll start seizing!" the nurse pulled up a chair and sat by the bedside.

"We want you to seize, Johnny. It's the only way to find the seizure focus."

"But - "

"I know it's frightening. But we'll be monitoring you the whole time, and we'll be here in seconds when you do seize. If you feel something starting, hit the alarm button. We'll take care of you."

"No, you don't understand."

"Okay...tell me what the problem is."

"I, uh..." Johnny blushed. "I uh...sometimes act out when I seize."

"I know." Johnny shook his head.

"I just don't want you...or any of the nurses...getting hurt...or embarrassed...that's all. Don't want you thinking those things...are me. Cause they're uh...they're not."

"I know, John. You're a nice guy."

"If you stop my meds, I won't be. I, uh...tried to hurt a nurse back home."

"I know."

"No, I, uh...pushed her against a wall...I kinda...groped her..." He felt a hand on his arm.

"Johnny...that's nothing we haven't seen before. We're used to it. And we know it's not you. Okay?"

"As long as all the nurses know I'm not really like that. Cause it's terrible. And I get - " He gulped. "Ashamed, ya know?"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"We've had Jesus here, you know."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. Three times. The Buddha, too. Mohammed put in an appearance once. Then there was the stripper, the guy who could fly, the lady who thought her surgeon was the President." Johnny started laughing.

"Okay, I get your point."

"Good. Try to sleep."

"Okay."

She left the room. Johnny waved at the camera. It waved back. He reached over and picked up the phone. He dialed a number.

"Mr. DeSoto's room, please."

"Hello? Johnny?"

"Hey. Whatcha doing?"

"Reading. Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Yeah...yeah..."

"Junior? What's going on?"

"Nothing much. They're uh...they're stopping my meds so I can...seize..."

"Oh. Makes sense. Still..."

"I told them about some of the weird stuff that's gonna happen, but I...I, uh..."

"Johnny?"

"Yeah?"

"How about I come back to the hospital? You know, kinda move in?"

Silence.

"Johnny? You there?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to stay with you?"

Silence.

"Listen. I'll toss my things in my suitcase, check out, and I'll be there."

"Uh...yeah. Maybe that would be a good idea." The line went dead. Roy hung up the phone, packed his suitcase, picked up the phone, and called home. He checked out of the motel, got in the rental car, and drove to Mayo. As the doors to the hospital opened in front of him, he turned and glanced into the night. A breeze was blowing. The stars were out. He took a deep breath and crossed the threshold, hoping that Johnny's journey would be one he could navigate, too.

**Chapter Nine**

Roy huddled into the blanket on the rollaway bed. He could feel the presence of the nurse in the room. Must be a shift change. Vitals were always checked at shift changes. Vitals were one reason no one slept well in a hospital. He waited for Johnny's annoyed, "Whadaya doing? I'm fine, lemme sleep." But he wasn't complaining. For once.

Roy opened his eyes. The nurse by Johnny's bed wasn't checking vitals. Johnny was fast asleep. He used to sleep on his back, one arm flung over his face. Lately however, he slept on his side, curled into a fetal position, as though he was protecting himself.

The nurse had a suctioning device in her hand, O2 prongs pulled from the wall.

Alarmed, Roy sat up. The nurse saw him, and shook her head, putting a finger to her lips in a silencing gesture. Moments passed. Another nurse poked her head in the door, and nodded. She disappeared. The nurse at Johnny's bedside replaced the O2 and suction, and slipped out of the room. Roy pulled on a robe and followed her. He caught up with her at the nurses' station.

"What's going on?"

"Everything's fine, Roy. Go back to sleep."

"Fine? You're standing over him with O2 and suction, and everything's fine? What's going on?" She shook her head.

"He's fine. One of the doctors will be in to talk with John in the morning."

"But - "

"Roy, come on. Don't pump me for information I can't share. John's not a minor. Go on...go back to sleep."

Roy returned to Johnny's room. He still hadn't moved. At least he was getting a good night's sleep.

**Chapter Ten**

"Hey, John. How you feeling today?"

Dave breezed into the room, holding Johnny's chart and smiling. Johnny raised his bed and yawned.

"My head itches."

"Yeah, I know. How'd you sleep last night?"

"Fine."

"Tired?"

"Yeah. So?"

"We got some good data." Johnny glanced at Roy.

"Data? I been hooked up for more than 72 hours, pulled off my meds, and haven't seized once. Whadaya mean, you got data?"

"Here, I'll show you." Dave pulled an EEG strip from Johnny's file and handed it to him. "This was recorded while you slept." Johnny stared at the strip.

"I don't know what this means. If it was an EKG strip, yeah, but this...I dunno. What is it?" Dave smiled.

"It's a seizure. You had six seizures in your sleep last night."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah. It's the oddest thing. On video, you don't move a muscle. But this..." He pointed to the strip in Johnny's hands. "This is a Grand Mal seizure. A massive one."

"A...Grand Mal? But I don't have Grand Mals. I have Temporal Lobes. And if this happened in the night, Someone would have heard it, seen it...I would have gone into convulsions. Roy, you were here...did you see anything?" Roy shook his head, his face ashen. Johnny handed the strip back to Dave. "So you're saying I have two kinds of seizures? Why are you smiling? This isn't good news!"

"Yes it is. We got data. This has probably been happening all along, but you've never done 24/7 monitoring, so it wasn't recorded. Until now. Johnny, we're one step closer to fixing the problem. It's great news! I'll be back later. Get some rest. And believe me...this IS great news." Dave patted Johnny on the shoulder, nodded at Roy, and breezed out. Johnny cocked his head at Roy.

"Great news, huh?"

"That's what the man said. Great news."

"Ya know Roy, these neurologists...they're all nuts."

"Yeah. Tired?" Johnny chuckled.

"Of course I'm tired. I had six Grand Mals last night. Worked real hard giving the docs data. Ya know...I should be upset...but I'm starting to kinda...not care. Grand Mals, Temporal Lobes, daytime, nighttime...it's all the same to me. Just one big..." Johnny struggled for a word. "Mess."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: the terms "Grand Mal" and "Temporal Lobe" were current names for such seizures in the 1970's. "Grand Mal" is now "Tonic Clonic" and "Temporal Lobe" is now "Simple Partial" when there is no loss of consciousness and "Complex Partial" when there is loss of consciousness.

**Chapter Eleven**

The alarm from Johnny's room went off. Roy heard it down the hall, as he was returning from the cafeteria. By the time he got to the EMU, four nurses were in Johnny's room.

"Johnny, can you hear me? Straighten out, hon. The camera needs to see you."

"Make it stop, make it stop!"

"Johnny, don't curl up like that."

Roy burst into the room. A nurse was stripping Johnny's blanket off him, another was pulling suction and O2, and two were attempting to move Johnny from the foot of the bed to the center.

"Please don't touch me, PLEASE! Make it stop, make it stop! Roy grabbed a nurse.

"Give him Lorazepam! It'll work! Come on, help him!"

"Roy, get out, you're blocking the camera."

"But - "

"OUT!"

He retreated to the hall and went to the nurses' station. He watched the controlled melee on Johnny's monitor. The EEG reading, running down the right side of the screen, was easy to interpret. This was a bad one. And if there was any doubt, the video of Johnny's struggle made it all too clear. The nurses had managed to move him to the middle of the bed, well within camera range. He began retching, was rolled on his side and suctioned. He lost control of his bladder and bowels. He lost consciousness, his cries stopped, his writhing turned into twitching. O2 prongs were placed in his nostrils.

"Wow, that's amazing." Startled, Roy turned. A middle-aged man was standing next to him, watching the monitor. "It's really something in here, isn't it? I mean, I always wondered about these things, but to see it for real...there but for the grace of God, right?"

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"Just passing through. My kid broke his leg. Found this unit a couple of days ago. Pretty entertaining."

"This unit is closed to outsiders." The man laughed.

"I know. I'm just passing through. I mean, who can resist? It's like a car accident, you know? You just gotta look." He pointed at the screen. "What are they doing, stripping him off?" Roy glanced at the screen as one nurse pulled Johnny's gown off and another climbed on a chair and switched off the camera. The screen went black. The man shrugged.

"Show's over."

"Get out."

"Hey, back off. I'm not hurting anyone." Roy grabbed the man and shoved him to the doors of the unit. "Get the hell outta here!"

"Get your hands off me. I'll call Security!" Roy shoved him out of the unit.

"I see you back here and I'll fucking kill you, ya God damn bastard!" The man threw Roy an offended look, walked down the hall, adjusted his tie, and rounded the corner. The doors closed.

"Thank you." He turned to find the mother of the little girl who had seized the day they arrived. "He stood in my daughter's doorway the other day, like she was a circus freak. Just...thank you..." She patted his arm and returned to her daughter's room. Roy leaned on the wall until his rage was under control, then returned to Johnny's room. He was asleep, his gown and bedclothes changed. Roy slipped in and took a seat by the bedside as the camera was switched on. The nurse smiled at Roy.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

"Uh yeah, thanks."

"My pleasure. Nice job. You ever want to patrol this unit, it would be most appreciated."

"Why don't they have a security officer here?" She shrugged. "Inhumanity isn't a security issue."

"It oughtta be."

"Yeah. I'll be back with your coffee." She slipped from the room.

Johnny opened his eyes and looked around, confused.

"What happened?" Roy leaned over him and smiled.

"You had an event."

"Oh. That's good, right?"

"Yeah Junior, that's good."

"Did they get data?"

"Yeah. They got data."

"Did I hurt anyone?" Roy's eyes stung; his throat hurt.

"No, Junior. You didn't hurt anyone." Johnny stared at him.

"You crying?"

"Nope. I'm fine. Go to sleep, John." He tucked Johnny in. Johnny reached over and grabbed his wrist.

"Stay here, okay? In case it happens again."

"Sure, Junior. I'll be right here." Johnny sighed, curled up in a fetal position, and fell asleep.

Roy walked to the window, leaned against the cool glass, and looked out at the trees.

"Please, God...someone...help him."

**Chapter Twelve**

"Johnny? I'm Michael Rodgers, your neurologist."

Johnny opened his eyes to see yet another doctor standing before him.

"I thought Dave and Steve were my docs."

"They are. They're the fellows. I'm the attending. Officially, I'm your neurologist. Just one of the layers of medical bureaucracy. Johnny guffawed.

"Yeah, I know. We got that back in L.A., at the hospital I work...worked...out of." Michael nodded. "You're a paramedic."

"Was." Michael smiled.

"Are."

"You sound like Steve Korman. Put on a happy face, everything is gonna be great...okay, I'm a paramedic." He gestured toward Roy. "And this is my partner, who-I-don't-work-with-but-he's-still-my- partner, Roy." Michael shook Roy's hand. "Good to meet you, Roy."

"thanks." Michael turned back to Johnny.

"So...how's it going?"

"how'm I supposed to know? I been plugged into the wall here a week...don't you have enough data yet?"

"Not yet. We're hoping to in a few days. I'm here because we want to increase the chances of your seizing. So we're going to try a few things." Johnny pushed himself up and narrowed his eyes.

"What kinda things?"

"We're going to start with sleep deprivation. Tonight, we're going to have you stay awake until 5am, let you sleep till 7am, then wake you and keep you up for the rest of the day." Johnny's head fell back on his pillow.

"Do you know how tired I already am?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. I'm hoping this will do the trick, then we can get that wrapping off you and move on."

"Oh, yeah? What'll be next?" Michael smiled.

"One test at a time, Johnny. Hang in there." Michael left the room. Roy watched the door close.

"Hey, Junior...want some pie from the cafeteria? It's pretty good." Johnny nodded.

"Yeah...yeah, thanks."

"Okay, be right back." Roy slipped out the door and ran after Michael. "Dr. Rodgers?"

"Yes, Roy? And please call me Michael."

"Okay, Micheal...you're waiting for him to act out, aren't you?" Michael folded his arms and sighed.

"Yes. That's exactly what we're doing. We have to record all the events Johnny experiences."

"I can describe them to you. In detail."

"I need a recording of the EEG activity. That's what brain mapping is about."

"I know. It's just..." Michael waited.

"Those kinds of seizures really embarrass Johnny."

"I know."

"And sometimes passersby...they watch the monitors..."

"I know."

"I'd just like to spare him...I'm sorry..."

"It's all right. That's why we're stepping things up. So we can move on."

"Does he have a chance? For the surgery?"

"I don't know yet. It's too soon to tell." Roy nodded.

"I see. I gotta...get going. I told Johnny I'd get him some pie from the cafeteria."

"Sure. That's thoughtful of you."

"Yeah, thoughtful."

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Cherry?"

"Yeah, they were out of everything else. I know it's not your favorite. But I promised you pie." Roy pulled the patient table across the bed, placed the pie on it, and handed Johnny a fork. Johnny shrugged.

"Pie's pie."

"Yeah, pie's pie." Roy walked to the window and looked out.

"Nice day."

"I wouldn't know. I can't get over there." Roy turned and looked at Johnny - the red ace bandage that he was constantly pressing, working his fingers under in a vain attempt to reach the itchy areas, the EEG leads coming from under the bandage, gathered together like a multicolored ponytail and plugged into the wall behind the bed. His tired face. His brooding eyes. The droop to his mouth. The weight he'd lost, the atrophy of his muscles. Roy looked back out the window and pictured the last rescue he and Johnny were on, the rescue where Johnny had his first seizure. The sniper attack. Johnny running toward the victims, crouching down to treat them as the sniper continued firing. And before the rescue, his childish complaints about Brice, who had filled in for Roy for two weeks while Roy was on vacation. Johnny's words, "Next time you go on vacation, I'm coming with you." Roy had gone on two vacations since then. Hadn't invited Johnny. Johnny had stayed home. Alone. All the things Johnny loved - camping, fishing, hiking, rock climbing - he had done none of those things. And Roy hadn't thought to take him. He was afraid. Afraid Johnny would get hurt, afraid he would fall, afraid he'd wander off and get lost. And he just didn't want to think about Johnny; he wanted to get away from Johnny, his seizures, and his obsessive worry about his future. Some best friend he was.

What had Joanne said?

"Better a broken leg than a broken heart."

Cherry pie.

Johnny liked apple pie. A la mode. There must be a place near the hospital to buy apple pie and ice cream. He could do that. Get a pie, some ice cream, and have a sleep deprivation party for Johnny. Maybe he could get him a steak dinner. And popcorn. What's a party without popcorn?

Balloons. Sure they were childish, but still...

Crepe paper. Silly hats. They could call the station in the middle of the night and wake everyone up. Ask for Chet and pretend to be some girl's outraged father. That would make Johnny laugh, putting one over on Chet.

Roy chuckled and turned away from the window. "Hey, John, you know what?"

Johnny was hunched over the table, his hands on the plate, the pie oozing red between his fingers.

"John..." Johnny shook his head, his hands closing into fists.

"I. Can't. Do. This."

Roy's arm went around Johnny. He pushed the table away.

"It's all right, it's all right."

He lowered the bed railing, the railing that was kept up to prevent Johnny from falling, the railing Johnny referred to as "jail bars." His other arm went around Johnny and he held him, Johnny's hands digging into his shoulders, leaving a trail of cherry pie, red and sticky, on his shirt.

"I. Can't. Do. This."

"Shhh...it's all right. I'm here. It's all right..."

"What have I done to deserve this...what have I done to be punished like this?" Johnny's pain bounced off the walls, ripped through Roy like a knife, and sailed out the room into the hall.

"I. Want. To. Go. Home."

"John, no. Calm down. It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be all right."

"I'm afraid. I can't do this, I'm so afraid..."

As Roy held Johnny, lost and alone in a strange place, another person entered the room and climbed into the bed. Another pair of arms went around him. A small pair of arms.

The little girl from down the hall.

"It's okay to cry."

Johnny's arms left Roy and wrapped around the child.

"It's okay to be scared."

As Johnny's tears let up, he became aware that he was hugging a child. He hiccuped, leaned back, and looked at her face.

"I got pie on you." She looked at her gown.

"It's okay. I like pie." Johnny laughed. She laughed. "I got my head unwrapped today, and washed my hair."

"You sure did. Congratulations."

"What's your name?"

"Johnny. Gage. What's yours?"

"Amelia. Lopez."

**Chapter Fourteen**

Two days passed. Johnny was sleep deprived, he fasted, and he endured a round of strobe lights. And for two days he laid in bed, not seizing.

"This is crazy."

"I know. It's an irony. You put someone in bed, have them lie around, and their seizure threshold rises.

Steve sat with Johnny late one afternoon. Johnny was exhausted. His eyes had a dull look, like he just didn't care anymore. Steve glanced at Roy, then smiled at Johnny.

"So, Johnny...You like wine?" Johnny shrugged.

"It's okay. But if you want me to get drunk, I'd rather have beer." Steve shook his head.

"Wine's better. Red wine." Johnny looked at Roy and shook his head. "Dr. Korman, the wine expert." Steve laughed.

"Hardly. But red wine has been known to bring on seizures in some patients."

"You're shitting me."

"No. Want to give it a try?" Johnny shrugged.

"Why not?"

"Okay. I'll be right back." Steve left the room. Johnny threw up his hands and fell back on the bed.

"Bet it's cheap wine." Roy chuckled. Steve returned with a paper cup and handed it to Johnny.

"Here. Chug-a-lug it." Johnny arched an eyebrow.

"Chug-a-lug it? Wine?"

"Yeah. Chug-a-lug." Johnny rolled his eyes and downed the wine. He handed the cup to Steve.

"That's awful." Steve laughed.

"Let's wait half an hour. If you don't seize, I'll give you more."

"Any particular kind of seizure you want?" Steve patted his shoulder.

"Yeah. But we'll take what we can get."

**Chapter Fifteen**

(AUTHORS'S NOTE: This chapter contains themes that are adult in nature. Reader discretion is advised.)

A few minutes later, Johnny turned to Roy.

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out. And keep the nurses out." Roy froze. Johnny reached over and shoved him.

"GET OUT, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Okay, okay..." Roy slipped out the door. Johnny called after him, "Close the fucking door!" Roy pulled the door closed, his heart pounding, Johnny's insulting words ringing in his ears. A nurse approached him. He reached out to stop her.

"Don't. Don't go in there."

"I know. Come away from the door, hon."

Roy glanced back at the door as he walked away. As he approached the nurses' station, he saw two nurses running from room to room, closing doors.

Steve was hunched over Johnny's monitor, studying the EEG and the video. He motioned for Roy to sit with him. Roy looked at the screen. Johnny had pulled his gown off, his hands on his groin, his face contorted as he tried to force himself to climax. Roy could hear him through the door.

"Sons of bitches, whores, assholes..." Roy cringed.

"I'm not looking at that!" Steve shook his head.

"Don't look. Just block the monitor." Roy glanced up. The voyeur had returned, his teen son with him. Roy tried to stand, Steve pulled him down. "Block the monitor." Roy hunkered down, closed his eyes, and cringed. A nurse came over and hustled the voyeurs away. The father's voice rang out, "He's jacking off, man that is wild." His son's voice, "Dad, I don't think - " was cut off as the doors to the unit closed. Roy covered his face with his hands. After an interminable wait, Steve rose, announcing, "Okay. He gets a double scoop of Lorazepam for this." He ran to Johnny's room and slipped inside. Roy stood. The nurses were going about their business as though nothing had happened. He felt a hand on his arm.

"Roy. It was just a seizure. It didn't bother us." He stared at her.

"It bothered HIM." He slipped into Johnny's room. Steve had injected his line. Roy couldn't tell if Johnny was laughing or crying.

"That's what you were waiting for, right?"

"Yeah. Good job."

"How many people saw it?" Steve glanced at Roy.

"No one. The video was turned off. I only recorded the EEG." He glanced at Roy again. Roy mouthed the words, "Thank you." Steve smiled, then leaned over and tied Johnny's gown. "Go to sleep. Sleep as long as you'd like." Johnny nodded. Steve left the room. Roy sat by the bed.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Steve, he's a terrible liar, isn't he?"

"Johnny, he - "

"I know. And I appreciate it. But he's a terrible liar. Did...did the nurses say anything?"

"Yeah..they said it was just a seizure. And it didn't bother them."

"Yeah, well. It bothered ME." Roy chuckled.

"That's what I said."

"Did you...did you watch it? On the monitor?"

"No."

"Roy..."

"Okay, yeah. Part of it."

"They got data."

Roy pulled the blankets up and tucked Johnny in.

"That they did, Junior. That they did." Johnny's eyes closed.

"I'm sorry I called you an asshole."

"It's okay."

"Stay here, okay?"

"You bet I will, Junior. Right here." Johnny's eyes closed again, he sighed, and fell asleep.

**Chapter Sixteen**

"Nuh uh. No way." Johnny swung his legs over the side of the bed, his fingers buried in his hair, as he scratched his scalp. The nurse shook her head as she gathered up the EEG leads and the wrap just removed from Johnny's head.

"Hospital regulations, hon. You need an attendant with you while you shower. I won't look. But I have to be there, in case you go down." Johnny rolled his eyes and continued scratching.

"No way. I shower alone. Unless you plan on takin' off your clothes and showering with me." She folded her arms and shook her head.

"No. And don't scratch so hard." I'll be right back." She left the room, closing the door gently behind her. Johnny leaned into Roy.

"I ain't takin' no shower with a chick watching me."

"John...she's a medical professional. it's her job."

"Nuh uh. No one has watched me bathe since I was THREE." He looked up, startled to see Dave grinning at him.

"So, you get the wrap off, you get leave to shower, and you refuse to let a pretty nurse in the room." He looked at Roy. "Wouldn't you? Let the nurse help? I know I would." Roy blushed.

"I guess...if it was the only way to get a shower, yeah." Johnny shook his head.

"Not me, man. They already seen too much. I just wanna little privacy to wash this crap outta my hair." Dave pursed his lips, thinking.

"How about if Roy went with you?" Johnny glanced at Roy.

"Well, yeah..I guess that would be okay..." He shuffled out of the room and headed toward the shower. Roy shrugged and followed.

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Just...stay over there. And don't look."

Johnny pointed to a seat by the wall on the other side of a three foot high partition between the attendant's area and the large, open shower area. Roy took a seat and closed his eyes.

"Okay, I'm not looking." Johnny stripped off, stepped in front of the shower head, and turned on the water. He stood under the water for a while, just enjoying the feeling of the warmth cascading down him. He glanced at Roy, pumped some shampoo from the bottle attached to the wall, and lathered his hair.

"You think I'm nuts."

"No. Not sure if I understand, though. John Gage not letting a pretty nurse check him out in the altogether. A year ago you would have - "

"A year ago I could control myself. A year ago I didn't assault women. No...no woman is gonna be alone with me when I'm naked." Johnny stuck his head under the shower and rinsed his hair. "Shit, there's still glue here..." He lathered again. "Roy..."

"Yeah?"

"I gotta get outta here. Just for a few hours."

"Yeah. Me too."

**Chapter Eighteen**

"So, this is fresh air."

Johnny stood outside Mayo, blinking in the sunlight. After a bit of hard talking, he had convinced Micah Carlson that a few hours outside the hospital was in his best interests. He left AMA, but with the silent blessing of the staff. Dave and Steve had quietly drawn Roy aside, reminding him that Johnny was unmedicated, unstable, and not to be left alone for a moment. Not that Roy planned to leave his side. Nothing like having a friend who was a ticking time bomb to keep Roy alert. And jumpy.

"Well," He smiled at Johnny. "How about a movie?" Johnny threw him a disgusted look.

"A movie? Whadaya think I been doing in the hospital?"

"Okay. How about - "

"I wanna get out on the water."

"The water?"

"Yeah. Aren't we in 'The Land Of Ten Thousand Lakes?'"

"Well yeah, but you can't - "

"Come on, don't be a drag. Where's the car?"

An hour later, Roy parked the car at a glittering shoreline. Johnny climbed out and gazed at the water.

"Man...just look at it." He stood, staring off into the distance. Roy stood with him. They gazed out on the water. Roy was lost in thought...all the times he could have taken Johnny on a hike, fishing...something out in nature, instead of letting him whither away in Los Angeles. He took a deep breath.

"So...you said you wanna get out on the water." Johnny continued to gaze into the distance.

"That would be idiotic."

"Yeah. Yeah, it would."

"How about a canoe?"

"Really stupid idea, Junior."

"Yeah. I could drown. Or pull off my clothes and embarrass myself."

"Yeah." Johnny turned to Roy.

"So...wanna rent a canoe?"

"Absolutely."

**Chapter Nineteen**

"Welcome back, guys!" Johnny and Roy walked into the EMU to find a smiling group of nurses waiting for them.

"You have a good day?"

"Incredible, just incredible."

"Spent the day outside, I see. Look at the color on your faces!"

"John, I haven't seen you smile like this since you were admitted. What did you do?"

"Canoeing."

"Really, where?"

"I, uh...I don't remember. One of your ten thousand lakes."

"Oh, I bet it was beautiful."

"It was incredible. Listen, I brought something back for Amelia..." Johnny crossed the unit to Amelia's room. He stopped in the doorway and stared at her bed.

She was gone, the bedclothes changed. One of the nurses came up behind him.

"Hon...she went home." Johnny turned and stared at her.

"But...she hasn't had her surgery yet, they haven't done anything."

"I know. But the EEG showed she wasn't a candidate for surgery. There was nothing else we could offer her. I'm sorry." Johnny's shoulders sagged.

"Yeah. Yeah, I understand." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I just brought her a rock." He fished it out of his pocket. "I like the way it looks, the way it feels. Thought she would, too. Pretty dumb, huh? I mean, she's a little girl, what's she gonna do with a rock?"

A hand closed over his. "We can send it to her. Tell her it's from you." He glanced at the nurse, then back at the rock.

"Nah. It was a stupid idea." He walked into his room, placed the rock in the wastebasket, and collapsed.

He came to in Roy's arms.

"What happened?"

"You had an event."

"Did I - "

"No, you didn't. Everyone is fine."

"Roy...did I throw that rock away?"

"Yeah, but I fished it out." Roy placed the rock in Johnny's hand. He felt it...the weight, the edges, the smoothness. He looked at the glossy surface.

"I wanna send this to Amelia. Whadaya think? I mean, you know more about kids than I do, and it's only a rock..." Roy smiled as he helped Johnny to his feet.

"The kids call them 'friendship pebbles.'"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

**Chapter Twenty**

"A WHAT?"

"Michael laughed softly. "A WADA." You want the long or short description? Johnny rolled his eyes.

"How itchy is it, how long will it last, is it supposed to make me seize, vomit, grab a nurse, tear my clothes off? That's what I wanna know."

"Doesn't itch. A little pain in your groin, a feeling of warmth in your head, you won't vomit, can't guarantee you won't seize."

"That's not bad. Why are you doing it?"

"To check your memory and find your language center. It's in either the right or left hemisphere." Johnny nodded.

"Sounds like we're getting closer to the surgery."

"it means you're still a candidate."

"Yeah, okay. When do we do it?"

"Tomorrow morning. John..." Johnny passed a weary hand over his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"There's a slight risk of stroke." Johnny stared at Michael, then at Roy.

"How slight?"

"Slight. But we'll need to you sign a release."

"Yeah, sure. On one condition."

"What's that?"

"I get to blow this place before the next test. I still got 9,999 lakes to visit." Michael grinned.

"I thought you looked like you were out in the sun."

So...is it a deal? If I don't stroke out?" Michael nodded.

"Deal."

**Chapter Twenty-One**

"Hey, can I have a blanket? It's freezing in here." Johnny lay on a metal table, dressed in nothing but a short hospital gown. Steve and Dave stood to his right. Steve held a small stack of cards, Dave a clipboard. Neither was smiling.

"Okay Johnny, we only have three minutes per hemisphere...no more. So no goofing off. Just answer my questions, all right?" Steve's no-nonsense tone shocked Johnny into silence. He nodded. Dave moved to the head of the table, out of Johnny's line of sight.

Steve nodded at the nurse, who did something...inject a line? He wasn't sure. Steve looked at him.

"I'm going to give you three words: house, elephant, shoe. Try to remember them." Johnny nodded, his heart beginning to race. Why couldn't Roy be here?

Steve held up a card. "Study this and try to remember it." The card had a picture of a horse. Johnny looked at the picture. Did Steve want him to remember that the picture was a horse, or that the horse was galloping? He wasn't sure. Steve held up five more pictures in rapid succession, telling Johnny to try and remember them. Then he continued, but asked, "Do you remember this picture?" Johnny answered, "Yes," "No," No," Yes," Yes."

He could hear Dave scribbling notes above his head.

Johnny, what were the three words I asked you to remember?"

"House, elephant, shoe. I think." Steve smiled faintly.

"Good." He nodded again at the nurse, who again did something Johnny couldn't quite see. He felt the right side of his face sag.

Was he having a stroke? His heart pounded.

"Johnny, look at the card. Have you this before? Johnny shook his head, confused. "On ths thide or evr?" His tongue was thick; he could barely get the words out.

"What?"

"On ths hemisphr or evr?" He raised his right hand to point at the card. His arm felt like lead, his hand dangled uselessly. He heard Dave mutter, "Shit..." He looked at Steve.

"Ever. Hurry up."

"Yeth." "No. "No." "Yeth." "Yeth."

"What were those three words, Johnny?"

"Uh...houth, elephant, thoe?" Steve smiled. That's right. Okay, Dave and I are done. Just a few more minutes for your angiogram, and we'll see you in Recovery. Steve and Dave pushed through the doors of the cath lab. He heard Steve say, "I don't fucking believe it," and Dave's response, "Shit..." he felt the sagginess leave his face. He raised his arm. It felt fine.

A masked doctor leaned over him. "Time for the angiogram."

"Can I have a blanket?"

"No, you can't. I need to access your groin."

"But - "

"Look, that's the way it is. You won't be here long. And neither will I." He picked up a syringe. This is my last angiogram. And then my residency is OVER. I cannot WAIT to blow this joint." Johnny looked around to see if there was anyone else in the cath lab. Just the nurse, who rolled her eyes at the doctor and smiled at Johnny through her mask.

"Everything's fine. He knows what he's doing." Johnny shivered in the cold. He felt his gown lifted, a hand on his groin.

"Uh..."

"Just injecting the local. You won't feel anything once you're numb. Hold still." Johnny felt a stinging sensation in a place he'd rather not be touched. Then nothing.

"Hold your head still." A cath camera was placed inches from his face.

"Okay, I'm just moving the catheter up an artery into your brain. Don't move your head." Johnny closed his eyes.

"Okay, it's in place. I'm gonna inject the dye now...you'll feel a rush of warmth." Johnny took a deep breath and waited for the warmth. Dr. Early had described it to him, back when he'd had CardioThoracic surgery. A bizarre sensation, but not uncomfortable. It would let the doctors see what the blood vessels in his brain looked like.

Knife-like pain shot through his head. He went rigid.

"Shit!"

"yeah, it's painful for some people. Again..." Another knife. Johnny gasped. The nurse put a hand on his shoulder.

"And again..."

"No, stop!"

"Sorry." Another knife. He cried out. The doctor snorted. "Oh, come on. It doesn't hurt that much. One last time..." Tears sprang to his eyes, but he'd be damned if he made another sound.

"Okay, we're done. Hold still while I remove the catheter...nurse, 10 mg Valium, IV push."

Johnny's last thought was, "You sonofabitch..."

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

"Johnny? How ya doing?"

Johnny opened his eyes in Recovery to find Roy, Dave, and Steve at his side. There was a sandbag on his upper thigh. He tried to shove it off, but Steve stopped him.

"You gotta leave that alone. It's for the bleeding. Real advanced medical device, huh?" Johnny shrugged. Dave leaned over him.

"Your other choice was to have Steve or me stand here with a thumb pressed into your groin for half an hour."

"No thanks, I'll take the sandbag." Dave chuckled.

"I figured as much. So. About the WADA...you did great." Johnny's eyes narrowed.

"Good. Cause I AIN'T doin' that again. What're you all grinning at me for?" Steve patted him on the shoulder.

"You, my friend, are a medical phenomenon. Your language center is diffuse, bilateral. It's on both sides of your brain." Johnny arched an eyebrow.

"And you know this how?"

"You didn't go mute."

"But you were asking questions! No one told me to go mute!" Steve laughed.

"No, I mean when the hemisphere with the language center is anesthetized, the person can't talk. He goes mute. And you didn't. It was amazing."

"Amazing." Dave nodded.

"Yeah. We've never seen this before."

"okay, fine. What does that mean for me, personally?" Steve smiled.

"It means...we could cut your brain apart, piece by piece...and you'd still be talking." Roy snickered.

Dave wrote a note on Johnny's chart, hung it by the gurney, and smiled down at him. "Get some rest. Someone wants to meet you later." Dave and Steve left Johnny's side and walked out of Recovery, chatting excitedly.

Johnny glanced at the sandbag, then at Roy.

"Like I said...neurologists...they're all nuts."

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

"Mr. Gage, I'm Dr. Lawrence Sherwood. Your neurosurgeon."

Johnny dropped his fork. A neurosurgeon. That must mean...

"Uh, hi. Should I call you Larry or Lawrence?" He was met with a steady gaze.

"Dr. Sherwood, if you don't mind. I like to keep the doctor-patient relationship clear. I'm the doctor. You are..." He glanced at Johnny's chart. "The patient." Johnny looked over at Roy. Roy rolled his eyes.

"Okay. Dr. Sherwood." Sherwood stood at the foot of Johnny's bed.

"So. I'm here to introduce myself. Tomorrow morning I'll be placing your intracranial EEG leads."

"My what?" Sherwood sighed.

"You didn't read the literature, did you?"

"Well, everybody keeps saying to take things one step at a time, and I thought - "

"never mind. Tomorrow morning, I'll be placing EEG leads on and under your brain, to try to locate the seizure focus more exactly."

"On my brain? You mean, under the skull?"

"Yes."

"That's uh..." Johnny started shaking. "That's surgery. But it's not THE surgery.

"No, it's not. It's a diagnostic test. Any questions?" Before Johnny could formulate a thought, Sherwood nodded. "Good. I'll see you in the morning." He left as abruptly as he'd arrived.

Johnny and Roy sat in stunned silence for a few moments.

"Roy?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we could go canoeing this afternoon."

"Yeah. Good idea."

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

"Arrogant sonofabitch, isn't he?"

Roy and Johnny sat on the shore of a lake. Johnny had seized in the car, but insisted on staying away from the hospital as long as possible. Roy had no choice but to comply.

"I suppose...you hold people's brains in your hands, you can get pretty full of yourself." Johnny shot Roy a sidelong glance.

"Joe Early isn't like that."

"You're right." Johnny laid back and looked at the clouds drifting by.

"Too bad Early isn't doing this surgery. I'd feel a lot more confident if he...if he..." Johnny's hands went over his face as he burst into tears. Roy sat silently, a hand on Johnny's shoulder. When the tears lessened, Roy remarked quietly, "Still wanna go canoeing?" Johnny sat up and wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"Nah. I'd like to just sit here a while."

"Okay."

They sat quietly for a moment. Johnny picked up a pebble and tossed it into the water.

"You know where my will is, right?"

"Yes."

"Listen, I know I left half my money to your kids, but that doesn't mean they gotta run out and spend all of it the moment I go, all right?"

"Okay."

"They could save it. For college. Or maybe if Chris is gonna be a firefighter, he could buy himself extra safety equipment. Or Jenny could get a real pretty wedding dress...as long as they don't spend it all NOW, ya know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know."

"And that donation to the Widows And Orphans Fund...you'll make sure it gets there, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will."

"And the money for you...that's for your retirement...or a second honeymoon. As long as you spend it on something important, ya got that?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Cause I haven't worked my ass off so the DeSotos can go and waste my money, got it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I got it." Johnny nodded.

"Good. Not that I plan to die, you understand, so don't get your hopes up." Roy chuckled.

"You're too cheap to die."

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

Johnny knew the train was coming before he could hear it. The metal rails of the tracks were vibrating ever-so-slightly. He stood and peered into the distance.

Nothing yet.

Roy tugged at his arm.

"Junior. Get off the tracks. You made your point. Now get off the tracks." Johnny shook his head.

"Hey Pal, how ya gonna come back to work if you do this?" Cap stepped onto the tracks and looked into Johnny's eyes. Johnny chuckled.

"I'm not coming back. You know it and I know it." Cap nodded and stepped aside.

"Hey..." Mike tapped his shoulder. "There's gotta be something we can do..." Johnny shook his head. "Not unless you can find me a better brain."

Hoffman's voice sounded in his ear. "I got you into this research project, and now you're throwing it all away?"

"Guess so."

Laurie, the last woman he'd dated, over a year ago, hugged him gently. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Johnny. It's just too much for me to deal with, you know what I mean?" Johnny hugged her back. "I know what you mean. No hard feelings."

She disappeared. A train whistle sounded in the distance.

"Hey, Gage..." Chet's voice sounded in his other ear. "I been waiting a year for my favorite pigeon to come back to work. You're not gonna let ole Chester B. down, are ya?" Johnny didn't respond.

"I didn't realize you're such a coward, Gage." Morton waved a handful of hypodermics in from of him. "We offer you the best medicine has available, and this is how you thank us?"

"Yup. This is how I thank you." he shoved Morton off the tracks. Dixie took his place.

"Please don't. I'll miss you." He shook his head.

"Sorry."

The light of the oncoming train appeared.

"Johnny." Brackett stood before him. "Don't do this to us." Johnny looked around at all the anxious faces. "You can come back to L.A. We'll put you up in a little place where you can be by yourself. How about it? Maybe in 30, 40 years, there'll be a clearcut answer. You've got time to wait." Johnny shook his head.

"Time's running out." Brackett disappeared. Johnny sat down on the tracks, feeling them vibrate, hearing the whistle, the rumble, as the train approached. Joe Early crouched in front of him.

"We've failed you. All of us. I'm sorry." He gave Johnny a brief hug and disappeared. Johnny looked down at his legs, now vibrating with the approaching train.

"John...look at me..." Johnny looked up. Marco sat in front of him, holding Amelia. "She needs a hero, John. She really needs a hero." Amelia reached out and touched his face.

"It's okay to be afraid."

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

"Johnny? Hon, I'm sorry to wake you, but it's 5am. Time to get you prepped."

Johnny awoke with a start to find a smiling nurse taking his BP. He was drenched in sweat. He wiped the sweat from his face and looked up at the nurse.

"How ya doin'?"

"Just fine. And so are you." She took his wrist and placed it against his chest while she took his pulse and respiration. She looked at his arm. "You blew your line." He glanced at his arm. The vein had blown, leaving a dark bruise in its wake.

"I'm sorry." She smiled.

"No matter. I start another line and give you some pre-med. Valium. It'll keep you calm." She left the room. Johnny looked over to find Roy sitting on the rollaway bed, smiling at him.

"Hey, Junior. Big day."

"Yeah."

"Sleep okay?"

"I had a nightmare. I was trying to get hit by a train, and everyone was trying to convince me not to. Except this one chick who said she couldn't deal with it...you know...me." Roy looked down at his feet.

"What did you decide?"

"I dunno. I got woken up before I could decide." He shook his head. "I get the feeling that train is waiting for me in the OR."

The nurse returned with supplies to start a new IV. "Lie down, hon." She attempted to start a new line in several places, Johnny wincing with each poke of the needle.

"I'm going to get our resident expert in pokes." She smiled down at him and left. Johnny looked up at Roy's face. He noticed suddenly how worn out Roy looked, at the worry lines etched into his face, the sadness even his smile conveyed.

"Bet you could get the line started. Easy." Roy laughed and checked his arms.

"I dunno. Your veins are hiding. Must be anxiety."

A procession of nurses came through the room, trying and failing to start a line. It was time to go to pre-op. Roy walked with Johnny into the room outside OR. Johnny grasped his hand.

"What're ya gonna do while I'm in there?"

"Make a few calls. Wait."

"Could ya see if they have apple pie in the cafeteria? He felt Roy squeeze his hand.

"You bet, Junior."

"John? a doctor leaned over the gurney. I'm Stanley Spierman. I'll be your anesthesiologist today. Did you get your pre-med?"

"Uh...no. They couldn't start a line." Stanley grimaced.

"Not fair. Let's see what I can do." He made several failed attempts, until Johnny was in tears. He sighed and patted Johnny on the shoulder. "Okay, enough poking. Let's start the lines after you're asleep, all right?"

"Yeah, but how are you gonna put me under?" Stanley smiled.

"let me worry about that."

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

Stanley allowed Roy to accompany Johnny into the OR. Johnny held his hand. Tight. Roy placed his other hand on Johnny's chest; he could feel his heart pounding. He leaned over him.

"It's okay, Junior." Johnny nodded and blinked rapidly. Stanley picked up an anesthesia mask.

"Johnny, I'm going to mask you down. You'll inhale the gas and fall asleep. Then I'll get your lines started. After that, Dr. Sherwood will do his thing. All right?" Johnny glanced at Roy. Roy nodded.

"Okay. What do I do?"

"Just relax." Stanley placed the mask over Johnny's face. "Just relax and breathe. I'm gonna take good care of you."

Johnny breathed in the O2 coming through the mask. As the O2 slowly gave way to the noxious smell of the inhalation gas, Johnny panicked. He pushed the mask off his face and struggled to sit up.

"I can't! I can't!"

"Junior - "

"NO!" He shook his head vehemently. "Nuh uh. No way. Keep that away from me."

"Okay." Stanley put the mask down. He thought for a moment, then left the OR.

Johnny clutched Roy's hand. "I'm sorry. It was like he was tryin' to God damn suffocate me with that thing. I was supposed to get premeds, they're supposed to use the IV to knock you out, not like this!"

"Okay, John. Try to relax."

"I AM trying!"

Stanley retuned with another doctor.

"Johnny, this is Rich Jeffers. He's also an anesthesiologist. Rich grinned at Johnny.

"My buddy Stanley here tells me you didn't like his technique. Figures. He's okay, but I'm the top guy around here." Stanley laughed.

"Only in his own mind." Despite himself, Johnny chuckled. Rich picked up the mask.

"Here's what we're gonna do...we're gonna start with pure O2. And YOU'RE gonna control the mask. He placed the mask in Johnny's hand. "Anytime you're ready, just place it on your face. It's just O2. Tentatively, Johnny lowered the mask to his face. Rich was right. It was just O2.

"Doing okay? Stanley smiled at him. Johnny nodded. Stanley turned to Roy. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Just follow directions, all right?" Roy had no idea what Stanley meant, but he nodded.

Rich smiled at Johnny as he placed his hand on a dial attached to the anesthesia machine. "Okay Johnny, let's get you filled with oxygen. I want you to take three deep breaths. One..." Johnny took a deep breath. "Good, and two..." As Johnny began to draw in a second breath, Rich adjusted the anesthesia from O2 to full nitrous oxide. Johnny gagged and tried to push the mask off. Stanley grabbed the mask and held it to Johnny's face. He nodded at Roy.

"Pin him!" Roy pinned Johnny to the table. Johnny fought the anesthesia for a few moments, then lost consciousness.

"Okay, he's under." Stanley pulled Johnny's head back and intubated him. Rich picked up a scalpel. "I'll open a vein in his upper chest. Roy, thanks. You need to leave, now."

Roy stumbled out of the OR. He glanced back in time to see Johnny, fully intubated, Rich making an incision in his upper chest to locate a vein, nurses checking vitals. He dropped into a chair outside the prep room and stared at the wall.

"He won't remember, you know." Rich dropped into a seat nearby.

"Huh?"

"That you pinned him. He's full of amnesiac. He won't remember." Roy nodded.

"You got any for me?"

"Nah. But I can buy you a really lousy cup of coffee."

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

Someone was poking Johnny's instep with something sharp.

He shifted, wiggled his foot, but the poking continued. He sighed and shifted to his right. Something rubbery and bulbous whacked him in the face. He grabbed it and tried to fling it back over his shoulder, but it came to rest on his face again.

"Hey, how many times you gonna throw that?" Johnny opened his eyes to see Roy seated by his gurney.

"Where am I?"

"Recovery. Your head is full of EEG leads."

"What? Did I give consent to that?" He flung the bulb away; again it bounced back and hit him in the face. "Damn it, what IS this thing?"

"it's just a drain. And yeah, you did give consent."

"I don't remember."

"That's okay."

"What time is it?"

"About 6pm."

"Same day?"

'Yeah. How ya feeling?"

"Head hurts. Feel like I'm gonna heave. Wanna go home." He became aware of a man in the next gurney, sitting up and offering his hand.

"Looks like I'm being moved. Wanna wish you all the best, Johnny. All the best." Johnny watched as the man's gurney was rolled out of Recovery. He turned to Roy.

"Who was that?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Johnny...you were talking to him for an hour. About the surgery. About your seizures. About being a paramedic." Johnny shook his head.

"I don't remember. The last thing I remember was...I dunno..."

"You remember my coming in OR with you?"

"What?"

"Holding my hand in OR. Remember that?" Johnny shook his head, dumbfounded.

"No. I held your hand? Why'd I do that?" Roy shrugged.

"Nerves, I guess."

But Johnny had drifted off to sleep. Roy sat with him for a while, then tiptoed out of Recovery. As he came through the doors, he saw Marco arguing with a nurse.

"John Gage. Yes, we're related. I'm his brother." The nurse shook her head.

"I'm sorry, sir. The only relative we have listed for Mr. Gage is a Roy DeSoto. Perhaps if you'll come back tomorrow, Mr. Gage will be out of Recovery."

"But - " Marco jumped when Roy took his arm.

"Never mind. He's asleep." Marco glanced through the doors into the unit.

"I just wanna check on him, ya know?"

"Yeah. Have you eaten?" Marco shook his head. "If he wakes up and sees you, he's gonna get all excited. Come on. Let's go somewhere and let him rest." He tugged gently at Marco's arm. "Come on."

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

"I felt like I've abandoned him...and you...everyone does." Marco took a sip of his coffee and set the cup down on the cafeteria table. "Like I did before, you know? Because of my cousin." Roy nodded. Marco's refusal to talk with Johnny out of his fear Johnny would die like Marco's five year old cousin Amelia was something Roy still struggled with. Sometimes it was anger. And sometimes...Roy wanted to run away, not deal with things, not make Johnny's struggle his own. Times like now, picturing Johnny's open head, the EEG leads coming up through the hole drilled in his skull, the drain removing fluid from his intracranial cavity.

That wasn't John Gage. That wasn't what Roy wanted to remember. But he would remember. Forever.

"So, whadaya think?" Roy started. Marco had been talking the entire time, and Roy had been oblivious.

"Think?"

"Yeah, about us taking turns being here, spelling you. You're exhausted."

"Not as exhausted as John." He shook his head, ashamed for not speaking the truth. He WAS exhausted. And angry. He missed his family. And he was sick of playing nursemaid. Wasn't his fault Johnny was single, had no family. He had nothing to do with Johnny's refusal to grow up, find a girl, settle down. Every time he felt the weight of responsibility for all the things he hadn't done, a voice sounded in his head, reminding him of all the times he HAD been there, watching over Johnny, sitting by his side, listening to him complain, waiting for him while he'd had yet another test, tried out yet another medication. And how often had he been thanked? Ever?

How much did he owe Johnny? How much did did any friend owe another? At what point was it all just too much?

Roy gathered himself and smiled at Marco.

"You know, I could use a break. Bad. Johnny's gonna be sleeping. Let me buy you dinner and bring you up-to-date."

**Chapter Thirty**

The next morning a confused, drugged, nauseous Johnny was transferred back to the EMU to begin another round of tests. His only memory of the intracranial EEG lead placement was Rich joking about Stanley and the relentless poking of the line placed in his instep. Fortunately, it had been removed. A main line had been placed in his chest, the IV held in place by four stitches. He had no idea why it was there, but he was too tired to question the nurses. His head hurt. He had no appetite. He was tired, a fatigue that overwhelmed him and pulled him into a restless sleep whenever nurses and doctors did not demand his attention.

Roy was gone. Perhaps Roy had never been there. For all Johnny knew, this hospital room was the entire universe. He didn't know. He didn't care.

A BP cuff was placed around his arm. He opened his eyes to find a nurse smiling at him. She looked vaguely familiar.

"How you feeling, Johnny?"

"Crappy. How do I look?"

"Better than you feel. A bit green about the gills, but given the amount of metal in your head, I'm not surprised."

"Metal in my head?"

"EEG leads. Remember the surgery?"

"No." He sighed. It didn't matter. What was done was done. "Where's Hoffman?"

"Hoffman?"

"Dr. Hoffman. My neurologist."

"You mean Dr. Rodgers."

"No, Dr. Hoff - "

"He means his neurologist from L.A." Johnny looked beyond the nurse, startled to see Marco in the room. The nurse nodded.

"John, you're at the Mayo Clinic. Dr. Rodgers is your neurologist here."

"Mayo..." A brief flash of memory came back. "I went canoeing here. The nurse smiled.

"Exactly right. And now you're having a Phase Two EEG, and you're full of morphine."

"I went with Roy. Canoeing." he looked at Marco. "Where's Roy?"

"He, uh...took a few days off. Went home. He'll be back."

"But - "

"It's okay. I'm staying."

"He went home? Well. He should go. Bet he's been here for days...weeks. He, uh...wanted to go, right?"

"Yeah. But he talked to you before he left. You said he should go."

"Yeah. Yeah, I probably did." Johnny drifted off. The nurse smiled at Marco.

"Let him sleep. They're running some tests later. And it **is** okay that Roy took a break."

**Chapter Thirty-One**

"So what we're gonna do is run a mild electrical current into some of the leads, to stimulate different areas of your brain. It will give us more data. You understand?" Dave looked questioningly at Johnny. Johnny didn't understand, but he nodded anyway.

"Okay, just relax. Feel anything?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No.

"How about - "

"Shit, turn it off!" Johnny grabbed his mouth and doubled over. Dave put a hand on his shoulder.

"What's happening?"

"My teeth are falling out! Man, turn it off!"

"Okay it's off, it's off." Pain gone?"

"It didn't hurt."

How did it feel?"

"Like crap."

"Okay." He handed Johnny a book. "Read this out loud."

"Why?"

Just read, okay?"

"Okay..." Johnny read a few sentences, then put the book down. "Okay, I read." Dave raised the book.

"Keep going, John." Johnny threw Marco a half amused, half disgusted look.

"Now it's a literacy test."

"Johnny, just read, okay?"

"All right, all right, geez." Johnny read a few more sentences, then stopped abruptly. Dave glanced at him.

"John? Please keep reading."

"I can't."

"How come?"

"the letters...they flew off the page. They're gone." Shocked, Marco looked at the book.

"But Johnny - " Johnny shook the book in Marco's face.

"The letters are gone! They're just...gone." Marco nodded.

"Yeah, okay. They're gone."

"Johnny..." Dave's soft voice interrupted Marco. Take another look. Are the letters back?" Johnny stared at the book, his head dropped.

"No. They flew away. And they're still gone." Dave gently took the book. Johnny stared at him anxiously.

"What does it mean?"

"I just means we won't be operating there. Don't worry. Now, I want you to lie back and relax. Tell me if anything happens." He lowered Johnny's bed to a reclining position. "Just relax and tell me if you feel anything."

"What are you looking for?"

"Nothing specific. Just relax."

"Okay."

"How about now?"

"Nauseous."

"Now?"

"Better."

"Good. And now?"

"Nothing. look - "

"Now?"

I, uh...I, uh..."

"Johnny, what's happening?"

"Colors...things are changing colors...reds and oranges and stuff..." He raised the bed. "Feels like shit, man."

"It's okay...try to roll with it." Johnny took a deep breath.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Still hallucinating?"

"Yeah." He gasped.

"John, what's happening?"

"Explosions. My feet, my hands...gonna explode..."

"Painful?"

"No, I, uh..." Johnny tried to pushed himself off the bed. Marco caught him.

"Johnny? Johnny?" He looked at Dave. "Turn that damn thing off! He's having a seizure!" Dave nodded.

"It is off. Help me get him back on the bed."

Marco and Dave moved Johnny back onto the bed. Dave injected Johnny's line with Lorazepam and hit the alarm button. When the nurse arrived he smiled at her.

"Could you page Dr. Rodgers?"

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

"How you feeling, Johnny?"

Johnny opened his eyes to find Michael smiling down at him.

"I have a headache. What're you doing here?"

"I WAS watching you sleep. Gotta move along, now." He smiled again, nodded at Marco, and left. Johnny eyed Marco.

"Okay, what happened?" Marco shook his head.

"I'm not sure."

"What did they do?"

"Bunch of tests. They - "

"I don't remember anything. How big a fool did I make of myself?" Marco shook his head.

"No, no. You were fine."

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"What?"

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"No. You had a seizure, things like that." Johnny's head fell back on the pillow.

"Oh. Just another day in the life of Lab Rat Gage." He eyed Marco. Musta been entertaining for you, seeing me lose control like that."

"What? No! Johnny, I - "

"Never mind. Gonna go to sleep. Why don't you, uh...go call Chet, give him all the news about the lab rat's day."

"You want me to leave, okay. I'll be back later." Marco walked hesitantly to the door. "You sure you want me to go?" Johnny's voice softened.

"Yeah. And uh...thanks for being here. Marco smiled and quietly closed the door.

Johnny waved at the camera. It waved back.

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

Micah Carlson regarded Roy from across his desk.

"So...is this visit about you? Or Johnny?" Roy shifted uncomfortably.

"I dunno. It's just that...our relationship, our friendship - it's changed. Sometimes, I accept it, you know? You gotta take the bad with the good. But sometimes...I wanna just walk away and forget about it."

"Forget about Johnny?"

"Yeah." Roy hung his head. "Johnny was never the easiest person in the world to be friends with. Over-thinker, never lets things go. He holds grudges. Self-centered. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Hot headed. He drives himself nuts...and he drives me nuts."

"So...why are you friends?"

"All the other reasons. He over-thinks, sure, but sometimes he's trying to help me solve my problems. Like whether to buy a house." He chuckled. "Not that he actually DID help...He's saved my life more than once. He won't let things go because he's kinda a perfectionist, which makes...made him a good paramedic, a good partner. Self-centered, but if I was..." He laughed. "If I was a young single guy, maybe I'd be self-centered, too."

"And hot headed."

"Yeah. It balances us out. I'm the opposite. Calm, steady, quiet. He - he'd liven things up. The thing is...this last year...he's been so needy, he can't be there for me much...and I..." His eyes dropped. "I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore."

Micah sat quietly.

"I got a family, you know, a wife, kids...but it's all about Johnny...and I'm...tired of it...when do I get my life back? How do I balance this...CAN I balance this? Hell, do I even WANT to balance this?"

"I don't know. Do you want to?" Roy leaned forward, staring intensely at Micah.

"I have to. You should see how people react to Johnny now. Like he's crazy, a drug addict, like he doesn't have a right to leave his house." Roy's voice rose. "I was with him once, he had a seizure, and a woman waved a bible over him, said he was possessed. Kids, adults, they laugh at him. A man insisted he was getting communications from 'the other side.' He's my friend, my best friend. I - I can't just abandon him to that. But where do I come in?"

"Have you talked to Johnny about it?" Roy shook his head. I know what he would say. He'd tell me to take care of myself." Micah smiled.

"So you know what he would tell you. Balance. Why haven't you been listening?" A hand slipped into Roy's.

"Because Roy likes to feel guilty."

"Joanne..."

"Well, you do." She turned to Micah. "Whenever Johnny'd get hurt on the job - and that was a lot, because he's not the most careful guy around - Roy would feel guilty. Maybe he should have done something better, something different, taken the stupid risk instead of letting Johnny do it. And I think..." She patted Roy's hand. "I think part of Roy feels guilty that it's Johnny with the seizures, and not him." Micah's eyebrows rose.

"Is she right, Roy?"

"I uh...I dunno. There's no reason it should be him and not me. And I guess I do feel guilty. And then I get mad for feeling guilty. And then I want - "

The phone on Micah's desk buzzed. "Excuse me." He lifted the receiver. "I'll be right there." He replaced the receiver and nodded at the DoSotos. "It's John. Maybe you can help, if you wouldn't mind."

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: THis chapter contains themes that are adult in nature. Reader discretion is advised.)

A nurse met Micah, Steve, Roy, and Joanne outside Johnny's closed door.

"His friend Marco got him calmed down...just rubbed his back, talked to him. I think he's asleep now."

Steve glanced at the monitor.

"You have the video?"

"Yes, in the conference room. All set up." She led the group to the conference room, then hesitated before opening the door. She looked at Joanne. "Ma'am, maybe you shouldn't..." Joanne shook her head.

"I'm all right."

The conference room was set up in three tiered rows, a large movie screen at the front of the room. johnny's entire team: residents, fellows, neurosurgeons, neurologists, therapists, were all assembled.

Michael Rodgers popped a video cassette into the player and hit the play button. A video of Johnny appeared on the screen, with his EEG reading down the right side of the screen. One of the nurses was with him, checking his head wrap.

"All secure, John."

"Itches like crazy, ya know."

"I know, hon. You want an antihistamine?"

"Nah, it doesn't do any good. Tell ya what would help, though..." She laughed.

"Another chocolate pudding?"

"Nah...climb into bed with me. I got an itch somewhere else." He lunged at her, one hand grabbing her wrist, the other hand exposing himself. She reached over and hit the alarm button.

"Johnny, you're having a seizure. Let go of my wrist now." Johnny complied, but scrunched down in the bed and grabbed himself. Two nurses entered the room.

"Okay hon, let it pass. It's just a seizure."

"I got a hard-on. Come on, one of you girls help me, just come here and help me, kiss me or something. PLEASE."

"Johnny, we'll leave you alone for a few minutes. It will pass, just hang in there."

"No, please, don't just leave. Give me a break, I won't hurt you. Just one of you...please...don't leave me alone like this..."

Joanne began crying.

"Just hold my hand or something, PRETEND you're my girlfriend...come on, no one has to know..." The nurses left.

Johnny curled up in the bed. As he brought himself to climax, Marco walked in, yelling over his shoulder, "Whadaya mean, 'Don't go in there?'" He looked at Johnny.

"Hey, man. It's okay."

"Marco, help me clean up, would ya?"

"Y-yeah. Sure." Marco disappeared from the screen and reappeared with a wet towel. He wiped up Johnny's groin, legs and hands. "Hey man, it's okay. Ya gotta jack off, ya gotta jack off. Feels better now, I bet." Johnny shook his head.

"Marco, I just exposed myself. I grabbed a nurse. This is crazy."

"No, it's not. It's these seizures, they gotta get 'em under control."

"Marco...if it's not this, it's my body shaking, it's walking places and not remembering, it's my hands and feet exploding, it's seeing things that aren't there, it's..." Johnny pushed himself up in the bed, Marco grabbed him.

"Lie down man, yer seizing again." Johnny started shaking, Marco hit the alarm button and rolled Johnny on his side. Nurses rushed in, suctioned him, got him on O2. Michael rushed in and administered Lorazepam. The seizure stopped. Johnny opened his eyes, reached up and grabbed Michael.

"If surgery isn't an option...just let me die. I've already lost everything. There's nothing left. Fix it or let me go. Please."

The video ended. There was a long pause. Lawrence Sherwood stood and sighed. We've conferenced enough on Mr. Gage. "Who is next of kin?" Roy stood.

"I am." Joanne stood.  
"And me." Sherwood stared at them.

"You shouldn't have been here. However, since you were...We're going to have to move on this soon, one way or another. I don't operate on patients with no reason to recover, and that's where we're headed.

"But - "  
"I need to talk to Mr. Gage about this." He abruptly left the room.

The meeting slowly broke up. Roy turned to Joanne.

"Now you know why I didn't want you here." She shook her head, confused.

"No, I don't. This is why you should have called me sooner. And it's why Cap, Mike, Chet, and a couple of others are on their way."

"What? Joanne - "

"Look, you're a quiet, private person. Johnny isn't." She hugged Roy. "It's like love, sweetie. In the beginning, that special person is all you need. But after a while, you need your friends, too."

"Johnny needs more than me. Okay, I get it."

"Chris and Jenny want to see him. They're at the motel."

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

"Hello, Mr. Gage."

Johnny swasn't clear on the man who abruptly entered his room. The man knew it.

"Dr. Sherwood, your neurosurgeon. How are you?"

"Fine."

"Good." We have all the data we're going to get, so it's time to make a decision." He nodded toward Marco. "You all right with your friend here?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure."

"All right, then." He pulled a diagram of a brain from Johnny's file and commenced.

"If you consent to the surgery, I'll be removing a portion of your left temporal lobe..." He crossed out a portion of the diagram..." A portion of your visual cortex..." He crossed out another portion of the diagram. "Assuming we can work around a bundle of blood vessels found in an awkward area, here..." He circled a third area. Johnny tried to follow the explanation and gave up.

"I don't get this. What does it MEAN?" Sherwood sighed in annoyance.

"Best case scenario, your seizures will stop."

"Yeah?"

"I'd give it a 10-15% chance of full control." Johnny shifted in his bed.

"Worst case scenario?"

"It doesn't work." Johnny glanced at Marco.

"So, it either works or it doesn't work. I'm either better or back where I was when I arrived."

"Well, no. There are deficits, unforeseen circumstances, visual, emotional, cognitive impairments. You want Dr Rodgers to explain them? Because I really don't have the time." Sherwood glanced toward the door.

"Well, yeah. I have a right to know."

"Fine, I'll let him know you want to speak with him." Sherwood nodded curtly and headed toward the door. As his hand closed around the knob, Johnny called out to him.

"Doc..."

"Yes?"

"You don't like me much, do you?" He smiled faintly.

"I didn't become a neurosurgeon because I 'like' my patients, Mr. Gage. Don't take it personally. It's just the way I am." He abruptly left the room.

Johnny stared at the closed door. He shrugged at Marco.

"So now I have to make a decision. How'm I supposed to do that?" Marco shook his head helplessly.

"I have no idea, man."

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

Johnny opened his eyes later that day to see a pair of blue eyes looking hopefully into his face. He reached out and caressed the long hair falling on his bed.

"Jenny."

"Hi, Uncle Johnny. Mommy said we could sit here, if we didn't make noise." Johnny hitched himself up on an elbow.

"'We?' We, who?"

"Me and Chris." He looked at the other side of the bed, into Chris's face.

"Hey, Sprout."

"Uncle Johnny. How ya doing?"

"Not bad."

"What's all that stuff comin' out your head?" Johnny reached up and felt the EEG leads.

"Oh, nothing. Trying out a new sound system, is all." Chris made a face, shook his head, and leaned into Johnny's ear.

"Ya don't havta lie. I'm not a kid, ya know. I'm eleven."

"And I'm nine." Jenny took his hand. "Uncle Johnny, you gonna have an operation on your brain? To stop the seizures?"

"I, uh...I don't know. I'm tryin' to decide." Chris shook his head.

"What's to decide? Ya have the operation, they fix yer brain, ya come home and everything goes back to the way it was. Simple."

"Sprout, it's not that simple. It might not work. And they might hurt my brain...make things worse. It's hard to decide. I can't just - " He felt Jenny rest her head on his chest.

"I miss you." He stroked her hair.

"I miss you, too. Still doing art work?"

"Yeah, I brought you a picture." She reached off the bed and grabbed a rolled up sheet of paper. She unfurled it in front of Johnny. "Whadaya think?" Johnny stared at the painting. It was a city, with hearts strolling the streets. The words. "Follow Your Heart," were emblazoned across the top. He held the painting, his arm around Jenny.

"This is...real good. Real good."

"It didn't win a prize, though."

"Oh, well. I like it. Can I keep it?" She smiled at him.

"Only if you follow your heart, like you always do."

"Like I always do? Since when?"

"Since always." Roy and Joanne had been standing watchfully by next to the window. "John, no one can make this decision for you. And yeah, 'follow your heart' is kinda cheesy - "

"Is not!" Jenny interrupted. Roy held up a silencing hand.

"I'm just saying...don't over think this. Because there IS no right decision. And you know how you get when you're overwhelmed. "Johnny laughed.

"So I should just flip a coin. Whatdaya think, Spout? Got a coin?" Chris fished a coin out of his pocket and flipped it.

"Call it, Uncle Johnny."

"Heads." Chris peered at the coin.

"It's heads. Gonna have the surgery?" Johnny looked at the painting.

"If I follow my heart..." He winked at Jenny. "I have to." The kids cheered. Johnny glanced at Joanne.

"Could you three go find me some apple pie in the cafeteria?" Joanne nodded, motioned to the kids, and left the room. Johnny eyed Roy.

"I need to rewrite my will. I know I promised you all kinds of stuff, but...I think I need to make arrangements for long-term care. Just in case." Roy nodded.

"Okay."

"Just don't want to be weird ole Uncle Johnny, living in someone's basement, is all..."

"I get it."

"It's just - "

"Junior, I get it. You can stop now." Johnny reached forward and grabbed Roy's wrist. "Johnny, I get it."

"No, I'm getting a seizure...shit...it's gonna be bad..." Roy hit the alarm button.

"They'll get you Lorazepam. Hang on."

"No. I wanna ride it - shit - out. I got apple pie coming."

At the doors of the EMU, Joanne and the kids paused and looked back as the alarm from Johnny's room sounded. They watched nurses run into his room. Joanne gripped the kids' hands tightly.

"Apple pie. He wanted apple pie." The kids had stopped in their tracks. Jenny tugged at Joanne's arm.

"It's not fair." Chris shook his head. "We should be in his room. Maybe we can help him."

"No. He asked for apple pie. Let's go."

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

Cap, Mike, and Chet arrived at Mayo, made their way to the EMU, and walked into Johnny's room. He was sleeping. Marco rose, motioned for them to be quiet, and stood aside as they stopped at Johnny's bed and looked at him. Cap shook his head, Mike's jaw clenched. Chet stared for a moment, then abruptly left the room. Roy followed him into the hall.

"Chet..."

"I'm gonna be sick, man." Roy took his arm and ran him to the restroom. After Chet's stomach settled, Roy took him to the lounge and sat him down on a sofa.

"You all right now?"

"Yeah, yeah." He shook his head. "Marco didn't tell me how bad he looked. How much weight has he lost?"

"I don't know. A lot."

"He looks like a skeleton. He looks..." Chet gulped. "He looks like he's dying."

"I know."

"I shoulda been here."

"Chet - "

"What kinda friend am I, letting him go through this by himself?" He jumped up and started pacing. "I mean, what kinda person - "

"He wasn't alone. I was here. So was Marco. And Joanne and the kids. He wasn't alone."

"**I** wasn't here, damn it! Maybe I coulda done something, helped him in some way, maybe I coulda - "

"Chet, calm down."

"Don't you tell ME to calm down! You been here! I haven't!" Chet grabbed a chair, hurled it against the wall, and left the lounge.

When Roy stopped shaking, he picked up the chair, put it back in place, and returned to Johnny's room. Johnny was awake, he was sitting up, and he was laughing. Chet stood at the foot of the bed, juggling three rolls of toilet paper. As he juggled, the rolls unraveled, until Johnny's bed was covered. Chet finished juggling, bowed, and handed the three empty rolls to Johnny.

"And that's the new Departmental latrine regulation, Gage. Unwrap and unroll. Whadaya think?"

"I think you need serious help, Chet," Johnny beamed. "Serious." Chet faked a hurt look.

"Hey man, just updating you. Ya gotta keep current, for when you come back. This is a difficult skill. I'm the only one who's mastered it. And that means - "

"You're on latrine duty until further notice." Johnny wiped his eyes. "That always was your best skill." He reached out and shook Chet's hand. "Thanks, Kelly."

"No problem, Gage. Hey, can I get you anything?"

"Uh...some more toilet paper?" Everyone chuckled.

"You bet. Three rolls of the finest, coming up." He left the room. Roy patted Johnny on the back.

"You okay?"

"Sure, sure. I'm fine." Roy followed Chet out into the hall. He found him rummaging through a supply closet. He pulled out three rolls of toilet paper, and handed one to Roy.

"Sorry about the yelling."

"It's okay."

"I shoulda been here, Roy."

"Well, you're here now."

"Yeah, I guess. So's he." Chet pointed toward Johnny's room. Roy glanced over to see Joe Early disappear into the room.

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

"Larry called me."

"Who?"

"Larry Sherwood. Your neurosurgeon." Johnny chuckled.

"I forgot he had a first name." Early laughed.

"He does that to everyone. 'Joe? It's Dr. Sherwood.' He's an odd one. But he's the best."

"Yeah, okay...why'd he call you?"

"Well, he said he made you uncomfortable, and thought you might do better knowing I was in the OR." Johnny nodded.

"That's an understatement. I wanna thank ya for coming." Early smiled.

"Not a problem, Johnny." He paused. "Did Michael talk to you about the risks?" Johnny turned away and gazed toward the window.

"Oh, yeah. Increased seizures, stroke, blindness, tremors, paralysis, death."

"You don't have to do this. It's elective."

"Yeah. I know. I keep changing my mind. Back and forth."

"You have that right. And you can call it off, even in the OR." Johnny turned back to Early.

"If it was you...would you do it?"

"Johnny, I - "

"Would you?" Early shook his head.

"I don't know, John. I really don't know."

**Chapter Thirty-Nine**

Crepe paper adorned Johnny's room. Balloons were batted back and forth. Nurses wearing silly hats came and went. Music blared from a tape player.

"Gage, your brain is so small, how can ya spare any?"

"Kelly, at least I know I HAVE a brain."

"Hey John, what's the first thing you gonna do when you're discharged?"

"I dunno, Cap. Maybe eat a burger and cruise for chicks."

"So Johnny...how long before you gonna try to be reinstated?"

"Same as before, Mike. One year, seizure free."

"This time you're gonna make it. One year from tomorrow."

"You got that right, Marco. One year from tomorrow."

"Uncle Johnny, how long is the operation gonna take?"

"I dunno, Sprout. Six, seven hours, maybe."

"You're gonna be okay, Uncle Johnny."

"Yes, Jen. I'm gonna be fine."

"Johnny..."

"Yeah?" Joanne shook her head, pulled out a tissue and wiped her eyes.

"Here's to you, Johnny, making medical history and advancing Epilepsy research."

"Thanks Doc. Roy, you okay?"

"Yeah, Junior. I'm fine."

Someone started singing.

"For he's a jolly good fellow..." Everyone joined in. As the song died down, quiet settled over the group. There was a knock at the door. A nurse poked her head in.

"John, you have a visitor."

"Anyone but Sherwood." The nurse smiled.

"It's not Dr. Sherwood." The door opened a bit wider and the visitor entered. She looked around shyly, then smiled at Johnny.

"I came to thank you for the friendship pebble."

Amelia crossed to Johnny's bed. He held his arms out to her and she climbed onto the bed.

"Why you having a party?"

"They're fixing my brain tomorrow. Everyone, this is my friend, Amelia Lopez."

Marco gasped. Amelia looked at him. He smiled at her.

"It's okay, honey. I had a cousin named Amelia Lopez. It's a beautiful name." She nodded.

"Where does she live?"

"She uh...somewhere nice. Real nice."

Jenny and Chris approached Amelia.

"You wanna play?"

"Sure!" Amelia hopped off the bed, took their hands, and headed toward the door. As the door closed, their voices drifted into the room.

"You got Epilepsy?"

"Yeah."

"That's hard. Uncle Johnny has it bad. But he's gettin' it fixed. You gettin' yours fixed?"

"Not yet. Maybe some day."

**Chapter Forty**

Roy awoke in the middle of the night. He glanced over at Johnny's bed. Johnny was sitting up, his arms on the padded railing, his head resting on his arms.

"Junior? You okay?"

"Nope."

Roy threw off his blankets, went to Johnny, and lowered the bed railing. "Thanks." Johnny dangled his legs over the side of the bed, clasped his hands in his lap, and stared at the floor. Roy waited. Finally, he broke the silence.

"Can I sit down?" Johnny nodded. Roy hoisted himself onto the bed and waited. Finally, Johnny spoke.

"I changed my mind. I can't do this."

"Okay."

"I wanna go back home. First thing in the morning. Just get me outta here. I can't do this." Roy swallowed the lump in his throat.

"They still gotta take the metal outta your head, John. No matter what, you still gotta go back in the OR." Johnny sighed.

"I forgot. Maybe I should go ahead and do it, then."

"Maybe." Johnny chuckled.

"You're not gonna help me decide, are ya?" Roy shook his head.

"I been goin' over and over it...and I don't know what I would do. So how can I advise you?"

"I dunno."

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Johnny sighed.

"Whatever happens...you can't keep hovering over me like you been doin'."

"I don't hover."

"Like hell you don't. And you gotta stop. What kinda friend I been this past year? I done nothin' for you. Nothin'."

"Junior, that's not true."

"Okay, name one thing I done for you." Roy thought a moment, then laughed.

"Okay, you're right. But I coulda done better, myself. So we're even." Johnny shook his head.

"You done fine by me, Pally. But you gotta spend more time with your family. Alone. I mean, the kids. They're growin' up so fast. You missed a lot this past year. It's gotta stop." Roy switched on the light.

"How'd we go from talking about whether you should have the surgery to how much time I spend with my family?" Johnny shrugged.

"I dunno."

A nurse stuck her head in the room.

"Hey...it's 2am. You guys should be asleep." Johnny nodded.

"We will."

They continued talking.

**Chapter Forty-One**

As the first hint of dawn lightened the sky, a doctor entered Johnny's room.

"Johnny? I'm Rona Griffin and I'll be your anesthesiologist today." Johnny took a deep breath and nodded. He smiled at Roy.

"I'm gonna do it."

Dr. Griffin checked Johnny's line. "So, I know you've been through this before, but do you have any questions?"

"You gonna mask me down?" She chuckled.

"Oh, that. No, I've never masked a patient down, and I don't intend to start now. Any other questions?"

"Nah. Thanks, Doc."

"Rona. Just Rona. So, let's get the pre-med into you." Rona pulled a hypodermic from her pocket and injected Johnny's line. Johnny watched the plunger depress.

"You sure that's enough?" As soon as the words left his mouth, he was overcome with a peaceful drowsiness. Rona capped and pocketed the hypodermic, eased Johnny onto his back, and lowered the bed.

"Yes, I'm sure. See you in the OR." She patted his shoulder, smiled at Roy, and left the room.

Roy leaned on the padded railing. "How you doin'?"

"Fine. Feel great. Gonna have my skull opened...and I don't really care." A giggle escaped him. Roy laughed.

"John..."

"Hmmm?"

"You be good in there."

"In where?"

"The OR."

"Sure. I'll be good. I'm goin' to the OR."

"I know."

"I forget why."

"So you can come home."

"Oh, yeah. Hey, it seems like a long time since our last shift. Aren't we due back soon?" Roy's vision blurred as he smiled.

"Yeah. Real soon."

"Okay."

The door opened and three nurses entered.

"Okay Johnny, it's time to go to OR." They unhooked the EEG leads from the wall, unlocked the bed, and moved it toward the door. Roy followed. As the bed disappeared into the OR, Michael came up to Roy and handed him a tiny envelope.

"Here. My gift to you." Roy opened the envelope, turned it over, and shook it. A pill dropped into his hand. "Just a mild sedative. Have me paged if you want another."

**Chapter Forty-Two**

"Johnny?"

Johnny looked up to see a masked Joe Early standing next to him in the OR.

"Hey, am I at Rampart?"

"Mayo."

"Oh, yeah."

"I'll be here the entire time, all right?"

"Yeah, good. Cause you know how I feel about - "

"Good morning, Mr. Gage."

"Dr. Sherwood."

"Dr. Griffin is going to put you to sleep, and you will wake up in Recovery." He nodded to someone at the head of the table, who stepped alongside Johnny.

"How you doing, Johnny?"

"Hey, you're, uh..."

"Rona." She injected his line. The room began to recede, a bitter metallic taste took over Johnny's mouth. He heard Rona's voice from a long way away.

"See you on the flip side, Johnny."

Chapter Fifty-Two

"JOHN! Stop throwing punches! Settle down!"

Johnny had no idea what was happening. He couldn't even open his eyes, but he obeyed the voice and stopped swinging.

"You're in Recovery. Your surgery is over."

He lost consciousness.

**Chapter Forty-Three**

"Hey, Junior."

"Roy?"

"Yeah."

"Where am I?"

"ICU."

"ICU? Why?"

"The surgery."

"Is it over?"

"Yeah. It's over. How ya doin'?"

"My head hurts."

"I bet."

"No...it really hurts."

"Okay, hang on." Roy turned to the nurse, a young man who was assigned to Johnny and his roommate, hidden from view by the monitors and supply trays between their beds. "Hey, John's having a lot of pain." The nurse nodded.

"I know. We can't raise his morphine dose any higher. The first night's the worst. He'll be better in the morning. The other patient moaned and the nurse turned his attention to her.

Roy leaned over Johnny. "Junior..."

"Yeah?"

"You'll feel better in the morning. Just hang on."

"Roy..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm serious, man. This hurts bad."

"I know. It'll be better soon." The nurse looked at Roy and motioned toward the exit. "Look, I gotta go. I'll see you in the morning. A hand gripped his wrist.

"No."

"Junior..."

"Don't leave me here, Roy. Please." Roy worked his hand loose.

"See you in the morning."

**Chapter Forty-Four**

"Hello?" Johnny head a voice coming from somewhere to his right. "Hello...roomie? You awake?"

"Yeah. Too much pain to sleep."

"Me too. So, why are you here?"

"Brain surgery."

"No kidding? Me too. What's yours for?"

"Epilepsy. Seizures."

"I'm sorry."

"How about you?"

"Brain tumor." He heard a laugh, then a gasp.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Hurts to laugh. It's just...three days ago I went to my doctor for a checkup. Felt kinda off, you know? Suddenly, I'm here, having surgery."

"Man. I had a year to think about it. And it was elective. I don't know which is worse, sudden or drawn out."

"Oh, yours. Mine was over, one-two-three. You had all that anticipation."

"Yeah, I guess. They get all the tumor?"

"I don't know. I can't remember."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Say, you have a name?"

"Maggie."

"Johnny."

"Nice to meet you, Johnny. How old are you?"

"Twenty-seven. You?"

"Johnny, don't you know not to ask a lady her age?" Johnny started to laugh, then winced.

"Yeah. Sorry. You married?"

"Single. You?"

"Single. Say, maybe I could take you to lunch. You know, when we're feeling better. We could go to the cafeteria."

"Johnny, that's the nicest thing I've heard in three days. You've got yourself a date. They have great apple pie in the cafeteria, you know. You like apple pie?"

"Yeah. A la mode."

**Chapter Forty-Five**

"Johnny, can you wake up for me?"

Johnny opened his eyes to see Dave standing by his bed, looking at his chart. He smiled at Johnny and replaced the chart. Your vitals are great. Let me do a quick exam..." He checked Johnny's vision, his grip, his reflexes. "So, how you feeling?"

"Lousy. You said they'd cover my pain. My head is killing me."

"John, your head was opened. You have to expect - "

"No, it's the bandage. It's too tight, man."

"I know it's tight. We're trying to keep the swelling down."

"It's pushin' my skull into my brain, Dave. Do something." Dave looked around, grabbed a pair of surgical shears, and cut a slit up the side of the head wrap.

"Better?"

"Barely. When do I get outta here?"

"As soon as Michael sees you." He patted Johnny's shoulder and disappeared.

Johnny felt the wrap and the slit. He grinned, and worked the bandage off, piece by piece. The relief was immediate. He ran his hand over the incision, which began on the right side of his hairline, curved around his skull, and ended behind his ear. He counted the staples holding the incision together. He felt the day-old stubble covering his skull, and grimaced. Then his laughed. A voice came from his right.

"Johnny, what did you do?"

"I took the bandage off."

"You nut. How does it feel?"

Pain's gone. They, uh, shaved my head."

"It'll grow back. They probably shaved mine off, too."

"Yours'll grow back too, honey."

"You sure you wanna take a bald woman to lunch?"

"Absolutely. It'll be incredible."

**Chapter Forty-Six**

Sometime later, Johnny awoke to see Michael checking his chart.

"Hey. Can I get outta here?" Michael cocked his head at Johnny.

"Well..."

"Aw, come on!" Michael laughed.

"Yes. Congratulations."

Johnny's bed was unlocked, he was unhooked from the ICU monitors, his IVs were attached to a moveable stand, and he was wheeled out. As the bed was swung round the corner between his side and Maggie's, he raised his hand.

"Hold it." The bed stopped. He looked over at Maggie. She was asleep, her head wrapped tightly in a blood soaked bandage, her swollen face a sickly green pallor.

She was beautiful.

Johnny grabbed a pen and paper off the supply table, and scribbled a note:

Johnny Gage Epilepsy Monitoring Unit Call me when you are discharged from ICU. I want to know where you are. Don't forget our lunch date.

He folded the paper, reached over, and placed it under her hand. He stroked her cheek and lay back down, breathless.

"Okay. Let's go."

**Chapter Forty-Seven**

The doors to the unit swung open and Johnny's bed was wheeled inside. He was greeted by a double line of clapping hands. Doctors and nurses on one side, firefighters on the other. He winced at the noise.

His bed was wheeled around the unit, patients and families applauding. The bed was inched into his room, backed into place, and locked into position. He gazed upon his well-wishers and gestured to Roy. Roy came close, smiled, and leaned over the bed. He motioned for him to come even closer. Roy whispered in his ear.

"Yes, Junior?"

"Roy, I..."

"What is it? Tell me."

Johnny gulped.

"I'm gonna heave."

**Chapter Forty-Eight**

"Johnny. You have a phone call, hon. You up for it?" Johnny opened his eyes to see a nurse smiling down at him.

"Phone call...they say who it was?"

"Yes...Maggie."

"Maggie..." His mind blanked for a moment, then memories came flooding back. "Yeah, I'll take it." He raised the bed, the nurse handed the receiver to him.

"I'll go connect you. Be just a moment." She left the room, Johnny looked around. For once, he was alone. He started to run his hand through his hair, and felt only stubble. He winced at the thought of Maggie seeing him like this. Then the there was a click on the line.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah. You called. You called."

"Of course I called. You asked me to. And I fell asleep while we were talking in the ICU. I'm sorry about that."

"That's all right. The drugs...they make you drop off."

"No, it was your voice. It calmed me. Johnny, I don't know how I would have made it through that night without you." Johnny tried to nod. He head weighed a ton. He winced and lowered the bed.

"I know what you mean. So, how are you feeling?"

"Not bad. Tired, headachy. You?"

"Coming along, doing okay. Frustrated."

"About what?"

"I keep hearing how great this cafeteria apple pie is, but every time someone tries to dig up a piece, it's sold out. You know how important food becomes in a hospital."

"I know. I'll make sure you get your pie soon."

"Oh, ya got magic powers?"

"When it comes to baked goods, yes. Doctors, not so much. My surgeon...he's not very approachable."

"Huh. Sounds like mine."

"The residents and fellows...they're not bad."

"Yeah, they're all right. What I really want is to get out of here and have some fun. Wanna go camping, hiking. Won't be doing that for a while. I'll have to go easy, maybe take in a movie. Wanted to see Young Frankenstein, but it's probably not playing any more." He heard Maggie laugh.

"You have GOT to see that film. They do a brain transplant."

"A brain transplant? Oh, perfect! Our kind of film!"

"Yeah. But they use the wrong brain. It's labeled 'Abnormal,' but the label is misread by the guy who steals it. He thinks it's from a person named 'Abby.'"

"'Abby?'"

"Yeah. 'Abby Normal.' Abnormal."

"Geez, I gotta see that. Wish we coulda seen it together."

"Me, too. But we're going to have our lunch together."

"I want it to be soon."

"Yes. Soon. I think about you a lot. About seeing you, talking with you. It's got to be soon. Sounds crazy, but...I miss you."

"It's not crazy. I miss you...your voice, your sense of humor...I miss you, too." Maggie sighed.

"I have to go, Johnny. I'm not feeling well."

"It's all right. Get some rest."

"Talk with you soon."

"the sooner the better."

**Chapter Forty-Nine**

"How long?"

"How long?"

"Yeah. How long till I know? It's been a week. I think. And nothing's happened. How long till I know for sure?"

Michael closed Johnny's chart and pulled a chair up to the bedside.

"Johnny...you have to take this one day at a time." Johnny furrowed his brow.

"I know. That's the same shit I've been hearing for a year. but HOW LONG till I KNOW?"

"You'll never know. You may never seize again. You may seize tomorrow. You may go for years, then start again." Johnny's eyes fell.

"I see."

"John, we told you this when you arrived. There are - "

"No guarantees. I know."

Michael checked Johnny's IV. "The antibiotics making you sick?"

"If you consider puddles of diarrhea on the floor sick...then yeah, they're makin' me sick."

"You could use a bedside commode, instead of trying to get to the bathroom. Johnny shook his head.

"No way, man. I'm using the bathroom, like a normal person." Michael laughed.

"Well, you are a record setter. First patient who hasn't shit in the bed." Michael rose from the chair and headed toward the door.

"Gee, thanks."

"Any time. See you tomorrow." Michael breezed through the open doorway and disappeared.

"You're never gonna seize again, Johnny. It's over." Johnny started. Marco was sitting by the window.

"I forget you were here. Never gonna seize again, huh?" Marco nodded emphatically.

"That's right. It's over."

"What's over?" Roy was standing in the doorway. Johnny and Marco exchanged glances.

"We were just uh...talkin' best case scenarios," Johnny stammered. "You know, thinkin' positive." Roy nodded dubiously.

"Uh huh. What did Michael say?" Johnny shrugged.

"The usual. No guarantees."

"Oh. Look, I'm uh...gonna go grab a bite. Bring you back a paper?" Johnny arched an eyebrow.

"Yeah, sure. What's wrong?" Roy grimaced.

"Nothing. Be back." He disappeared. Johnny stared at the empty doorway, then at Marco.

"What's eating HIM?" Marco shook his head and headed toward the door. He caught up with Roy near the doors to the unit.

"Hey, man. What's bugging you?" Roy turned and glared at him.

"You. You're feeding him that line that he's cured."

"Yeah, so?"

"You shouldn't get his hopes up, Marco." Roy tried to walk away, but Marco grabbed his arm.

"Get his hopes up? He SHOULD get his hopes up! He should - "

"He should be realistic. This was experimental surgery. He survived it. He has his vision, he can talk, he thinks clearly. That's all we know. That's all HE knows. It's not right to fill his head with all kinds of ideas about a cure."

"So you want him to think like he's a cripple. You want - "

"I want him to be realistic, dammit! If he gets his hopes up, if he thinks he's cured, and he goes a week, a month, a year, and seizes again, what's that gonna do to him? And who's gonna pick up the pieces?"

"DeSoto, you are so full of shit. Johnny NEEDS hope, he's worked so hard, he needs - "

"To. Be. Realistic."

"He IS being - "

"SHUT UP! Just - shut up, the two of you. Just shut up." Johnny was standing behind them, shaking and breathless. "Just - stop arguing, questioning, worrying, making me crazy. Just - shut the hell up, both of you. I can't - " His knees buckled, Marco caught him. "I can't think. I need to...I need to think." Roy took his arm.

"Let's get you back to your room." Marco and Roy helped Johnny walk slowly back and settled him in bed. He glared at them.

"I'm gonna do this my way, you got it?" They nodded. "I'm gonna count the days...until I reach six months. Then I'll drive again and keep counting. When I reach a year, I'm gonna try and get my job back." Roy shook his head.

"But - "

"Shut up, Roy." Johnny turned to Marco. "There are no guarantees. You heard the doc. You want me to be all better for Amelia. I ain't doin' this for Amelia. I'm NOT Amelia. I'm John. I ain't a stand-in for your cousin. This isn't your battle, so butt out.

"Johnny, I wasn't - "

"Butt out."

"Okay, okay."

"Now, the two of you need to split. I got a date."

"Johnny - "

"And I don't need a chaperone. So scram." Roy and Marco headed toward the door. They looked back at Johnny. He grinned at them.

"Come back around three so we can watch the game." They nodded dumbly and left. They walked out of the unit and down the hall. As they waited for the elevator, Roy glanced at Marco.

"Johnny...has a...date." Marco nodded.

"That's what he said. How'd he get a date? He looks like hell, he hasn't been anywhere."

"I know. But he's Johnny. And he's back."

**Chapter Fifty**

"You know, I don't usually come to a man's home on a first date." Maggie handed an apple pie to Johnny as a nurse wheeled her into his room. Johnny laughed. The nurse smiled and left.

"Not the cafeteria date we'd planned, huh? And I forgot the ice cream." Johnny looked around the room and sighed.

"No. But it's okay. So...you have a nice face, Johnny Gage. When the swelling goes down and your bruises heal and your hair grows back...you must be very handsome." Johnny blushed.

"Okay, okay. The nurses brought in a table and set up lunch. Where'd you get the pie?"

"My sister made it. My recipe." Johnny set the pie on the table.

"Incredible." He wheeled Maggie to the table, locked the wheelchair, and took a seat. "So, here we are."

A nurse came into the room. He eyed her. "Would you mind giving us some privacy?" She leaned into his ear and whispered, "John, that's what why I'm here. The camera is going off." She pulled a chair to the camera, climbed up, and switched it off. She stepped down, and left, closing the door behind her. Maggie stared at the camera.

"Is that thing on?"

"Off."

"But the rest of the time..."

"Constant surveillance."

"Oh, my God. I'd hate that."

"Yeah, really. And the hovering."

"Hovering?"

"My buddies. I love 'em, don't get me wrong. But every once in a while...like now...I'd just like 'em to leave me alone, ya know what I mean?" Maggie sighed.

"I do." Her face brightened, she picked up her fork and began eating. "So...tell me about yourself. What do you do?" Johnny grimaced.

"What I used to do...what I want to do again...I'm a paramedic. In Los Angeles."

"You mean the guys who come when you're hurt?"

"Yeah."

"You're one of those guys?"

"Yeah."

"Wow." Johnny shrugged.

"Haven't been one for over a year. That's why I came here. I want my job back so bad I can taste it. I dream about it. I think about it, ya know? All the time."

"Yeah, I know."

"So, what do you do?"

"I'm a...principal dancer with the San Francisco Ballet."

"A ballerina."

"Yes. You like the ballet?"

"I do now. You know, L.A. is just a short plane ride from San Francisco."

"Johnny..."

"I could come up to see you dance. Or you could come visit me."

"Johnny - "

"Either way. Or we could meet in the middle."

"Johnny..."

"Huh?"

"I'm not going to be dancing again." Johnny shrugged.

"I don't care. I just want to see you. We formed a bond. You mean something to me, Maggie. You - "

"I have cancer."

"What?"

"The tumor was malignant. They didn't get it all. And there's nothing more they can do."

"But - "

"I'm sorry."

"Maggie - "

"Could I, uh...lie down in your bed? I don't feel well at all." Johnny pulled himself to his feet and unlocked the wheelchair brakes. He wheeled Maggie to his bed and helped her into it. She sighed with relief as he lowered the bed to a reclining position.

"You want me to call a nurse?"

"No...not yet. I just want to enjoy your company."

"Maggie, I - "

"Would you hold my hand? I've got a terrible headache." Her hand reached out to him and he took it. She smiled. "What color is your hair?"

"Kinda dark brown, kinda black. Depends on the light. Yours?"

"Red."

"This isn't fair, you know. I wish - " Her other hand went to his lips, silencing him.

"Johnny...if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

**Chapter Fifty-One**

"Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Walking."

"All alone with your IV stand? How many times have we told you to call a nurse?" She took him arm. Johnny glared at her.

"I don't need a nurse. I'm just tryin' to build up my strength."

"Which is good. But not without a nurse." Her tone softened. "I know you're frustrated. But if one of the doctors sees you without an escort, the entire nursing staff will be in trouble. All right?"

"Yeah, all right."

"Tell me when you need to lie down."

"Now. I feel lousy." She walked him slowly to his room and settled him in bed.

"Okay?"

"No, I got a headache. Why do I have a headache?"

"Because you had your skull opened ten days ago."

"Twelve days."

"Twelve days, right. Let me get you something for the pain." She left the room and returned with a hypodermic. Johnny watched her inject his line.

"I haven't seized since the surgery. That's good, right?" She smoothed the blanket.

"Yes. It's good. Go to sleep."

**Chapter Fifty-Two**

"Junior. You're not in your room."

"I know. They let me sit in here now." Johnny looked around at the patients' lounge. "I didn't even know this lounge existed until half an hour ago. It's incredible...all these weeks here and I didn't know about this room. Next thing I wanna do is - "

"Johnny, how are you feeling today?" Michael walked into the lounge, followed by Dave and Steve. Johnny grinned.

"I feel...not terrible. Pretty good, huh?"

"Very good." Michael checked Johnny's chart. He smiled down at him. "How'd you like to go home?"

"Home? Los Angeles?"

"Yes. Or you can stay here another week. Whichever feels right." Johnny gulped.

"I wanna go home. I mean, I'm scared. But I wanna go home."

"Doc," Roy interrupted. "Johnny lives alone. Shouldn't he stay with me for a while?" Michael nodded.

"Yes. Or he can hire a caregiver. Either way."

"He's coming home with me."

"Roy - "

"Me, Junior. You're staying with me."

"Well, no. I'm staying with Joanne and the kids. You can come, too." Roy rolled his eyes. Michael smiled, shook his head, and sat down next to Johnny.

"Listen, Johnny. Going home doesn't mean resuming normal activities. Not even showers or baths. It means rest. Loads of rest. The most exertion you should get is walking from the bedroom to the living room, and sitting. Quietly."

"Okay, okay, I got it."

"Because if I get a call - and I WILL be tracking your progress - that you did something stupid, if you take a fall and crack your head - I will personally fly to California and finish what you started. Understand?" Suitably abashed, Johnny nodded. Michael smiled, stood, and made a notation in Johnny's chart. He turned to Roy. "You go make plane reservations, I'll get the discharge process started. Make sure he takes his pain meds. The trip home is going to give him a heck of a headache." Michael, Dave and Steve shook Johnny's hand and left the lounge.

Johnny and Roy stared at each other for a few moments. Then a joyous whoop went up that reverberated off the walls of the entire unit.

**Chapter Fifty-Three**

"Johnny?"

"Hi."

Johnny sat by Maggie's bedside. He handed her a teddy bear.

"I was gonna get you flowers...but this'll keep better." Maggie smiled.

"Did you know I have a collection of bears? This is perfect." Johnny took her hand.

"Maggie...I'm going home tomorrow."

"Home? To Los Angeles?"

"Yes."

"That's wonderful. I expect I'll be leaving in a few days, too."

"I want to come visit you."

"Johnny - "

"My friend Roy...said he'd fly up with me."

"Johnny, that's not - " He squeezed her hand.

"I know. But whatever time you have left...I want to spend it with you. Just to be with you, to talk, to get to know you better. I want to be there for you, Maggie. I just want...to be there." She shook her head.

"Johnny, I've been thinking about this, too. And I don't want you to watch me die."

"But - "

"It's not what I want. I don't want you to watch me lose my memory, my speech, my ability to eat."

"Maggie, I don't care about that. Won't you - "

"Hand me my bag. It's on the table." Johnny picked up Maggie's bag and placed it in her hands. She pulled out a small picture and gazed at it. She held it out to Johnny. "This is me, when I danced in Giselle." She handed Johnny the picture.

"You are...so beautiful."

"Do you know the story of Giselle?" Johnny shook his head.

"No. I'm sorry. I don't know anything about ballet."

"It's a Russian story. Giselle is a peasant girl. When she dies, she protects her lover from evil fairies." She laughed softly. "Evil FEMALE fairies, Johnny. This is how I want you to remember me. A beautiful, protective, Slavic peasant girl. Remember me when I was at my best. Not my worst. And I WILL be watching over you." Johnny held the picture, stared at Maggie's expressive face, her graceful body, the life in her eyes. He shook his head.

"I wish I had a picture for you. Of me in my gear, my helmet, taking care of someone. So you'd know the real me. I - " A hand stroked his face.

"I DO know the real you. I don't need a picture. You're in my heart."

"Maggie - "

"Johnny...let's not prolong this. Let's say our goodbyes now."

A few minutes later, Johnny emerged from Maggie's room, lowered himself into a wheelchair, and looked up at Roy.

"Let's go. Help me pack, would ya?" Roy nodded wordlessly as he pushed Johnny's wheelchair out of the surgical unit.

**Chapter Fifty-Four**

"How ya doing?"

Roy eyed Johnny as the plane finished its ascent and leveled off. Johnny looked out the window and winced.

"Got a helluva headache."

"You want another Oxycodone? Michael said don't hesitate to take the maximum dose." After a long pause, Johnny nodded.

"Yeah, sure." Roy pulled a backpack from under his seat, took out a bottle, and looked around for a stewardess. Johnny took the bottle from him, popped off the lid, took a pill out, dropped it in his mouth, and swallowed it dry. He handed the bottle back to Roy. "Neat trick, huh? Mastered it about six months ago."

"Yeah. Neat trick."

"You know what I want?"

"A nap?"

"I wanna get blasted."

"Junior - "

"I'm not gonna. But I wanna." He stared out the window again.

"Eleven months plus a week. That's a long time."

"Yeah."

"And she'll be gone by then. I won't be able to call her with the news."

"I know. Look, John - "

"I know. I'm being realistic. Best case scenario realistic. Five months to my license. Eleven months to reinstatement."

"And a week." Johnny chuckled.

"And a week. Did I cross off yesterday?"

"I dunno. Let's see." Roy opened his backpack again and pulled out a pocket calendar. He flipped it open. "No, you didn't." He handed the calendar to Johnny, who pulled a pen out and drew an X through the previous day. He looked at the empty pages...day after day of waiting, hoping. He sighed, handed the calendar back to Roy, and pushed his seat back.

"Think I'll catch some shut eye." He had barely closed his eyes when a stewardess approached.

"Gentlemen, we have steak or chicken on the menu for dinner. What would you like?"

"Chicken, thanks." Roy put a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "John...chicken or steak for dinner?" Johnny's eyes opened.

"Uh, steak. Yeah, steak." The stewardess nodded and turned to the passengers across the aisle. Johnny reached out and tapped her arm.

"Hey, do we get any dessert choices?"

"Not this flight, sorry. One dessert for everyone."

"Oh. That's a drag."

"I'm sorry. It's not bad, though. Apple pie a la mode."

THE END


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